cebii

lionmom's blog

2007-12-04T08:16:00.001-08:00

Lionmom accidently posted some info that members of one of our kids' bio families did not know. The child was de-identified, but they figured it out. We didn't know that they didn't know, and I didn't know that they read the blog. Anyway, all hell broke loose and we didn't get much sleep that night. Lionmom pulled her blog and is pondering what to do next.

vindictiveness

2006-05-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

After preaching endlessly to my kids about the pettiness of being vindictive, I went and did it myself. E has my cell phone. She was supposed to take the sim card out of her broken phone and put it in mine, then send me my sim card so I can activate the cool new one that i have. Well, she threw her phone somewhere in a fit of anger with BG, so she doesn't have her sim card now, and she's just been using my phone. I don't mind so much, except it's been a couple of weeks and I would like to have it back. So, I went to the Cingular store and had them activate my number on my new phone. E is SOL. Holly will probably get mad since we are going down there soon to exchange cars and we will have mucho difficulty getting hold of her. I let my petty side take over and it is too late to fix now.

my toe hurts

2006-05-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

okay - it isn't broken, and it was doing much better after the mess earlier this week, then I stubbed it this morning and it still hurts. that was my whine for the day.

We have tons and tons to do before the trip next month. We missed all the deadlines for getting passports for everyone. Now, we're just trying to make sure that all of the kids have photo id's. Holly is going to take them all down to DPS to get state issued id's, at least for the ones that don't have driver's licenses.

btw - Ro passed her driving test!! She officially has a driver's license!! Tons of driving stress has just been sloughed off!!

That should be all the id the two eighteen year olds and E (if she still decides to go) need. Melinda and S will need id plus paperwork that shows they are in care and we have custody and the court gives them permission to travel with us. We carry a green zip binder with all the info in it when we travel. I wonder if we still need to have their birth certificates to prove they are US citizens. yikes.

I just want to go and have everything be fine and to get married.

by the end of the summer, Holly and I and the twins will have passports, I swear. The paperwork is complete for Holly and me, we just have to get off our butts and take it to the post office. My adoption has not yet gone through, so we will wait until it does to do the twins, so that both our names will be in all the official places. It should go through soon, though.

We plan on adopting S in November. She will be sixteen then, and eligible for the max amount of state benefits. Her freakin' case worker still has not done the paperwork to get her name change the judge ordered 18 mo ago official, so I guess we'll just wait until we the adoption is final and use that for the name change so she doesn't have to do a change on her passport.

sounds about right.

2006-05-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

pride

2006-04-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ben learned how to swim yesterday. This year he and his twin graduated from the heads up life jackets of last year to the learn to swim types. I was afraid he was a bit too small, but once he got his balance, he started kicking and swam across the pool. Within an hour, he could go down the slide, wasn't phased when his head went under water, get oriented and swim 15-20 feet to get out of the pool on his own, then went back down the slide.

contiuum

2006-03-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

S had a great day yesterday and a good morning this morning. That kid is so wonderful when she is on top of things. She knows it. She likes the feeling it brings her and the positive interaction with us, but she doesn't have the control to keep it up all the time. She is better - we used to deal with her angry victim most of the time, now she is fun more often than not.

I cringe as I think of some of the tactics we used to get where we are. She used every interaction to maintain her control, so we had to limit everything. I was brought up in a house full of hugs, and it hurt to push her away and insist that we couldn't hug until I wanted to. How much energy did we all spend as Holly and I sat, trying to maintain our own calm, watching her scream and flail and tantrum, hours at a time, until she would calm herself enough to at least verbally admit to responsibility for something.

Now she rarely tantrums - even the most recent visit with her brother didn't set her off, even though it was upsetting for her.

M needs to go through some of the same stuff. It will look different with her, because, as S was stuck as a six year old, M was thrust into adulthood. She has taken care of herself for most of her life and doesn't see why she should give that up. She does love us, and she plays the game to fit in and stay with us, but I don't know if she has hit the wall yet.

It has to work, though, right? We can't afford the price of failure. Or maybe, we just have to accept the final results for what they are.

disease

2006-03-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a long time. Don't know why, tons of stuff has happened.

I talked to one of my cousins last night for a long time. I have lots of cousins on my moms side of the family, and Shirley is on the older end and I'm on the younger end, so we never really knew each other. But, since she is the most prolific emailer of the Colorado branch of our family, she ended up sort of being the Colorado contact and we've emailed quite a bit.

I started the conversation the led to the call by an email asking if she (a registered nurse) understood why there is so much blood-born disease, including leukemia, in multiple generations of our family, yet doctors insist that it is environmental. We talked about that, which of our many uncles and aunts had what, etc, trying to narrow things down. There are two diseases which ARE hereditary and per the doctors, in my family: hemachromatosis and Hemoglobin LaPore. One tends to make one have too much iron in their blood and the other causes iron to build up in organs, primarily the liver, I think. So, as you can imagine, together they can be deadly. Shirley's mom died of the combo and began all the research into our family. Now, if one has both, they treat it with diet and phlebotamy (sp?)and no one else has died of them. But, several of our aunts and uncles and cousins, including my sister and her brother, have gotten leukemia, and my mom had a disorder that often leads to leukemia, but never did in her case. My mom and sister both carried the LaPore condition, and Shirley said her mom and brother did, too. We are going to try to check and see who else does or did.

In my immediate family, we are trying to teach the teens to love themselves. The younger two, especially, have been exhibiting damaging behavior, though they don't see it that way. It is so hard. They are all so wonderful, but they just don't have the breadth of experience to see beyond the immediate present.

The babies are great. They don't look like babies anymore, more like toddlers. I'll have to start calling them the twins.

2006-03-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm a Mazda RX-8!

You're sporty, yet practical, and you have a style of your own. You like to have fun, and you like to bring friends along for the ride, but when it comes time for everyday chores, you're willing to do your part.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

a beautiful day

2006-02-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Holly's going to bring the twins over in an hour or so. She has a meeting at one of the kid's schools and can't take the babies. I will bring them up to my office and let them play with my coworkers for a few minutes, then take them out and try to figure out something else to do with them.

It's beautiful outside. Maybe I'll get a coworker to help me corral them in the lawn of my building. It's big and grassy and will probably be very nice.

One of the teens has been working over my nerves by forgetting or misunderstanding things that she doesn't want to do. Is she really forgetting or not understanding instructions? Dunno. We still have consequences, though. Life sucks, doesn't it?

Another teen is pushing some scary boundaries because of loneliness. I faced some of the same loneliness issues at her age. I was socially inept and deserately wanted to fit in, but was totally clueless. I had boundaries, though, and was intelligent enough to avoid behaviors that actually got me into trouble. Don't know how to get a kid who feels she needs instant gratification (as a repercussion of her trauma, partly) that her life will be so much easier if she would just wait and take her time and let things fix themselves. The only way we've found is to impose boundaries for her. Life sucks, doesn't it?

eyes closed.

2006-02-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

One of the teens had it out with Holly this morning. I wasn't a part of it because I was getting ready for work and they were downstairs.

Something we've noticed with some of the kids - they tend to sectionalize their lives. Once they have a set of friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend, they blow off the family and devote all of their attention to the friends. Is this normal?

One would think that it was a bad thing, to blow off family, to decide that it is disposable, or only for use when you need it. Holly's whole issue is that the strength of our family is our will to stick together and help out. It doesn't work if she and I do all of the giving and the kids do all of the taking, only giving when they need something back. When you give freely, as we try, you usually find support freely given when you need it. It doesn't always work. We've had to adjust our chores so that everyone has a set of base chores they need to complete, and everything else is for extra money. This is because one or two of the kids were doing all the extra stuff and they were all getting extra stuff equally. Now, if they want something that we wouldn't normally buy, they can do extra chores and earn the money beyond their allowance.

Mostly, I wish the kids would open their eyes.

woe is me

2006-02-23T06:53:00.000-08:00

One of the teens has a psych eval today. This is a long and complicated series of tests that lasts for several hours. They all have had them and they all hate them. Unfortunately, this doesn't keep K from getting jealous about the attention it gives the other girl. She asked me several times to take her out to breakfast this morning ( no time, no desire) or at least give her money to run to McDonalds after I drop her off (no cash, no desire). Now she calls and wants me to pick her up after her classes are over at noon and take her home, rather than her riding the bus as usual. This would take my whole lunch to do. Actually, I'm taking half the day off to watch the twins so that Holly can stay with the other kid at the psych office, but she didn't know when she asked. I probably should do it, but I don't like to play into her insecurities. I hate it. This might make me a horrible mom. It makes me angry that she can't allow S this much attention without digging into it.

update

2006-02-06T06:44:00.000-08:00

The minivan doesn't start, so we are a one car family until it gets fixed. Luckily, we've acquired the big Dodge pickup from Holly's parents, so our one vehicle holds six. Kind of inconvenient, though. Hopefully, the dealer will get the van fixed today and it won't cost us our firstborn.

The pickup is theoretically mine. Holly is going to continue to drive the van since she usually has more kids with her. The van also gets better mileage than the truck, and I drive fewer miles. I must say, though, that the truck is addicting. You can look down on almost all other vehicles on the road. The engine has power to spare - I don't think I've gone above 2000 rpm yet. It is very comfortable. Now, we can haul and tow whenever we want. I can see why so many people drive them, even though they don't need them. I must say that, even though we've wanted a truck, if this hadn't fallen in our laps, we would have gotten something smaller and more reasonable.

Both babies now not only climb out of their cribs, but back in. When Holly checked on them last night, they were both in Ben's crib. I wish we could get them in gymnastics, but those don't start until they're three.

One of the teens has a new boyfriend. He is a nice guy, as far as I can tell. The irony is that he is very active in his church, and even though getting her to go with us was like pulling teeth, she goes to his church actvities with a big smile on her face. I wouldn't mind if their relationship works out. He has a good job and seems laid back and is friendly. we can only hope.

school

2006-02-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

S is driving me crazy. She is smart - high average on the iq scale, but she performs about three grade levels behind in school. At first we blamed this on the issues and trauma she's dealt with over her life. Now, it has come down to old habits and laziness.

She was genually surprised when I asked her to tell me about the chapter she's working on in Social Studies. See, she glosses over the text in the chapter, then answers the questions at the end by finding the key words back in the text and writing whatever it says. The key words are usually bolded. She actually said, "I read the whole thing. What do you expect me to do, read it over and over until I memorize it?" ha ha. I said, "Well, maybe not memorize, but at least remember the important parts." She responded that she doesn't have to do it that way and she is way ahead of all the other kids in her class. I tried to explain that the way she was doing it didn't really constitute 'learning', instead she was using a quick technique to skim through information.

I don't understand how her teachers teach. The kids don't have books assigned, so I can't look through them and see what they are supposed to be going through at home. At the most, they bring a few worksheets home.

Holly is trying to get everyone to approve home schooling S for three classes every day. She'd still go to band and science and one other class at school, then Holly would do the rest. Everyone likes the idea, except that home schooling is not acceptable under the foster care regulations. We have to get some sort of special approval. At least S would actually LEARN stuff. She still may not catch up, but she'd have some knowledge.

catching up

2006-02-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

My gimpy foot took something of a step backwards yesterday when Ben tossed his toy xylophone and it accidently hit my broken toe. Don't think it did any real damage - just a bruise, and the toe is wired together, so it didn't mess it up.

Ben helped Sophia feed the outside dogs this morning. They take it very seriously. It is a good a chore as any to start them on!!

My wonderful little Nikon digital camera disappeared several weeks ago. We kept expecting it to turn up, as things like that eventually do in our mess of a house. I finally got fed up. We are missing great pictures of the kids. S has been through three hair colors since we lost it and the babies grow and change every day. I ordered one off of eBay. It is a couple of steps above the old one, but still an old enough model that it was inexpensive. I did it without asking Holly because I wanted it and would rather apologize than have her say no. She wasn't mad. I guess she hates missing pictures of the kids, too. If we find the old one, she'll use one and I'll use the other. I really love her.

The past week has been hard for her because I've been a hindrance rather than a help because of my foot. She is totally stressed out. This weekend we are going to start some seriously structured organization to keep it from being so bad again. I hope. If my foot keeps getting better and our lives don't become overwhelmed by taxiing kids around.

gimpy

2006-02-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a long time, but I have a reasonable excuse. I had foot surgery last week to remove the bunion on my left foot. It worked - saw the xrays yesterday. If I don't keep it elevated though, it hurts, and our home computer armoir does not lend itself to elevating one's left foot. So, I checked my mail and didn't do much else. Now I'm back at work and where my workstation is more comfortable. It won't be if I ever have my right foot done - nowhere to rest it on that side.

News on the twins: Sophia fed the dogs yesterday. Holly gave her a cup of dogfood and told her to feed Barney (the biggest outside dog) Sophia took the cup, marched to the sliding glass door, thought through the fact that she still needs two hands to open the sliding door, grabbed the cup with her mouth, opened the door and dumped the food in Barney's bowl. He was confused enough by it to lick her mouth and ears before he ate. Rufus, the other outside dog, had to wait for Holly. But, being the gentleman he is, just sniffed around Sophia while he waited. Ben probably would have helped, but he can't open the door yet. Ben doesn't just climb out of his crib - he climbs on the rail and jumps off. Haven't measured, but it must be close to four feet. He does it nearly every time we leave him in his crib and hasn't hurt himself yet. We are debating toddler beds versus tent cribs.

The teens: The younger are both struggling with school and Holly and I are searching for ways to get high school to work for them. R is flying high - took her first three GED tests yesterday and feels pretty confident.

the gym

2006-01-20T06:40:00.000-08:00

We joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. I've belonged to gyms before, but this one is really cool - new, super clean, three pools, wet and dry sauna, very family friendly.

Holly is out of town with the twins, so I took the teens last night and was super glad that we joined. As I did my pitiful beginners workout, the girls did some cardio, then climbed the climbing wall a couple of times. When I found them, they were playing volleyball TOGETHER, laughing and having a great time.

That alone was worth this month's fee...

back to normal

2006-01-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

which means hectic. If I didn't really love my kids and Holly and my life, don't think I could manage it.

We had family portraits taken over the weekend. It's hard when it involves eleven people, three of whom are two or younger. But we did it! and the pictures are good. Holly and I had to remind ourselves that you rarely see outstanding portraits of two years old - the best pictures are usually older or younger. The best whole family portrait had B sucking his fingers, looking off to the left and S glaring at the camera. BG's son, who is two, didn't smile but at least didn't look mean. We got some great shots of the girls in pairs. The best moment - we were trying to get S to sit in a chair and smile, and B ran up to her and tickled her yelling "ticka ticka ticka", we all laughed, including the twins, but the photographer wasn't ready.

E wants us to adopt her. she was not available for adoption while she was in foster care because her mother never gave up her parental rights. We'd offered to adopt her after she turned 18, and she was interested, but when she hit the magic age, she was off to small town hell and her family to live hell life. She eventually came back, of course, even tried bringing her mother to get started here. After a couple of months of trying, her mother told her point blank that she was not capable of being the kind of mother E wanted and went back to STH. Broke E's heart, but now she wants to be adopted. We're talking to the adoption lawyer on Monday and we'll bring it up. As torn as E is, since this would mean a slap in the face to her birth family, she is determined enough to change her name.

I really want to do it. I want her to be legally ours. She is such a wonderful kid.

as school starts...

2006-01-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

All of my high schoolers get a bit nervous when school is about to start. One of them blew last night. We should have seen it coming and done something proactively, but she hadn't had a real live kicking and screaming tantrum for over a year and were caught off guard.

Holly was a wonder - coming downstairs from her sickbed, figuring out the problem and choosing a way to deal with it. She is really good at it. I kept my cool and didn't show any anger, which Holly said was enough. Well, it was my best at the time. The positive side was that, bad as it was, all was resolved and everyone in bed within an hour.

Holly is going to propose homeschooling S in English and Social Studies at her ARD today. I really understand why she wants to home school S, but S is not easy to teach. She is actually pretty difficult even to be around for extended periods of time. Well, Holly certainly will teach more than her teachers have so far this year in those subjects. Her English teacher has had her 'desyllabify' words ALL SEMESTER. For over three months, S broke down words into their respective syllables. I'm pretty sure that English is supposed to involve more than that, and I think the class would have been more exciting for S if they'd read and written more. Her Social Studies teacher considered that S had successfully completely a chapter of work if she finished the worksheet/test at the end of the chapter. So, S picked key words from each question, found it in the chapter (the word was usually bolded) and wrote whatever it said. She doesn't have a clue what any of it actually means, but she's totally 'caught up' in that class.

S is considered Special Ed legitimately, but that doesn't mean she's stupid. Her IQ is normal, possibly even high-normal. She has the capability to learn and understand lots of stuff, but they won't or can't take the time to help her actually learn it. Then they pass her, which they have to do because they can't fail her unless they prove to Holly that they've followed her set learning/behavior plans, which they don't. The first year with S we were more concerned with managing her behavior at school than how well she learned because one has to be able to function in society to survive. Now, despite what happened last night, we are concerned that she have a reasonable education. It looks like the only way she might get it is for Holly to try, which could drive us all crazy.

better

2005-12-30T06:47:00.000-08:00

I took the day off work yesterday - my excuse was taking my dog Rufus to our vet to have the work the emergency vet did checked out and the bandage removed/changed. Didn't have to have the bandage removed. Rufus destroyed his Elizabethan torture collar and removed the bandage himself during the night. Our vet thought this was very funny. Said Rufy didn't need a bandage and is getting along great. He doesn't have to be isolated from the other dogs any more and the drainage tube comes out in a week. He is mostly a large animal vet and doesn't believe in over-doctoring animals. Rufus is much happier. He's a mut and doesn't need as much doctoring as some of the other dogs.

I could have made it to work for a few hours, but it was so beautiful a day, and Holly wanted me to stay with her I never made it in. We got some of the teens cell phones for christmas and got the service plan straightened out at a Cingular store yesterday. The service agent that helped us was a Katrina refugee. Her family decided to stay in our area after the storm because they are racially mixed and we live in a more tolerant area than the Missisppi town they came from. They've already bought a house. She was very sweet and helpful. We might even set up a play date for our twins and her two kids that are just a bit older.

The teens were more than thrilled to get their own cell phones. We had dinner as a (very large) family at one of our favorite restaurants. All in all a very good day.

recovering from the holidays

2005-12-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

I love spending time with extended family - they are all great people, very supportive and good natured. The hardest part, actually, is my kids. The teenagers (some not all of them) take turns being difficult. I know it isn't all their fault, lots of issues come out around the holidays. Mine do too, actually. The twins get off schedule with all the new people and travelling and that leads to being wired and unpredictable, if 20 month olds are ever predictable... :-)

Plus, my dog Rufus got a splinter in his leg that got infected and had to be taken to the vet while we were gone. It was pretty serious - surgery, debreedment, antibiotics, x-rays. He'll be okay, but it added a bit of stress.

as a result, Holly and I are pooped and don't have time to catch up yet.

One of our teens is being particularly difficult. She feels miserable and her chosen response is to try and make everyone else feel miserable, too. When asked to do anything she doesn't want, whether it be chores or participating in family activities, she blows temper out her mouth and nostrils and involves as many other people as possible. She won't listen to reason - becomes a total victim. sometimes she apologizes later, sometimes she doesn't. It happens several times a day. We think she needs to work on some big issues. Her therapist believes that the issues need to come out naturally in therapy and won't push her to deal with them. We could probably talk the therapist into pushing a bit, but she's out of town. When we mention any of this to the other resources at the fostering agency, they suggest we send her back there for a 'tune-up'. Holly and I agree this probably would do as much harm as good. There has to be a way of dealing with these things without institutionalizing her. There has to be.

why do they make is so hard?

2005-12-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

I imagine it has something to do with cutting the apron strings, and fear of the unknown, and fear that they won't make it alone. Kids getting ready to leave the household are ridiculous. Was I that bad? I honestly don't know, all of my immediately family has passed, so I don't have anyone to ask. They can't seem to understand that we will be there to help even after they move out. May not help in the way that they think we should (which usually involves lots of money and no advice) but we will always help as much as we can and think is prudent.

We are dealing with kids on so many different levels right now, and the holidays are escalating everything. We have kids sabotaging their lives, and other kids getting messed up because they are either for or against the saboteurs. It is making me crazy. Holly, too, although she is dealing with it really really well. Next year we will have to figure out a new strategy. We will most likely have fewer kids at home, which might help. One day at a time.

holidays

2005-12-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

Holidays are not great times in our household. Too many teens with too many family issues. The holidays bring out the worst in them. We try to keep everything as light and low key as possible, but it's never enough.

I think that next year Holly and I are going to concentrate on empowering and reducing the victimhood of our girls. They know the words - we talk about it all the time. But, we need to figure out activities and books to read or whatever we can to get them to take responsibility for themselves.

I've been reading some books about Buddhism that deal with leaving the past. maybe we'll start there.

toy drive

2005-12-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

every year Harley riders have numerous toy runs for needy kids. The bikers like it because they get a great ride with lots of other bikers and they get to help out kids. Every H-D club has their own run, and our fostering agency is the beneficiary of one of the clubs. It is truly an awesome site - literally hundreds of bikers riding up with gifts.

In the past, we've tried to keep our kids low key about it. We've even told the agency that we didn't need to go because our kids get enough stuff for Christmas, but they basically require us to go. I think part of it is the babies. The riders want to see babies, not just teenagers. With so many kids in our house this year, the gifts will be more of a blessing this year.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day. We'll drive out to a restaurant out on the lake and let our kids hang out with the bikers and get gifts. Hopefully, the babies won't be too shy and their noses won't be too snotty. Hopefully, the teens will be polite and act interested. Hopefully, it won't rain.

i warned them

2005-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

I was late to work Monday through Wednesday this week. When I woke the teens up, I told them I was leaving at 7:20. At 7:05 I told them I was leaving at 7:20. At 7:15 I told them I was leaving at 7:20. Then, at 7:22, I left, minus one girl who didn't make it out the door in time.

She made it to school because Holly took her (for a fee). Maybe she'll take the morning thing a bit more seriously now.

rough week

2005-12-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

And it is only Tuesday...
The worst part is that Holly has a cold and I kind of do, too. It just sucks one's energy. The weather has been very cold, at least for us in Central Texas. The dogs are not cooperating as they could. The twins are learning how to do things faster than we can fix what they've already done. Bringing in our newest last weekend has been more stressful than we thought. She's discovered that we don't have a perfect household where she can get away with whatever she wants. She's also found that even though we aren't perfect, we are supportive and try really hard. Lena needs a job, but Holly hasn't had time to take her around. E's car is dying and she is going to have to get another. We found one for her in her price range, but she is a bit resentful that she has to spend her own money, and the one we gave her only lasted a year. (Might have lasted longer if she'd taken better care of it...grumble) S. Is into limit testing. She knows the rules and what is expected and is playing as far as she can. Most of these things are pretty normal, especially this time of year. All of our teens are super-stressed around the holidays. Too many memories.

The other teen is in b***h land. She's been for awhile, but it just gets more and more ridiculous. She is desperately trying to ignore her issues and turn her back on her problems in the hope that they'll go away. Well, they won't, and her life (and probably ours) would be so much easier if she started working out her emotional problems before she completely ages out of the system. We are blessed with a great support system, part of which we lose access to when the kids leave the foster care system.

Also, I forgot my lunch today. Normally, not a problem, but I'd saved some tortellini and broccoli from the other night and I really wanted it. The cafeteria is having BBQ - way different from tortellini and broccoli.

That last thing, although true, was meant for comic relief. One must have a sense of humor!!!
Please, also, if you have children, check out Sara Hickman's three kid's records for babies, toddlers and older kids. We have the toddler one, and not only do the babies love it, but the teens keep taking it out of the van to listen to in the house. That album has been a bonding experience!!

blessings

2005-12-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

Holly just got an email from rfamily. As you know, if you follow her blog, our familiy changes regularly. Rosie and rfamily vacations promised us places on the cruise for our family, but we have two or three more kids than we did last year. Holly emailed, with some trepidation, asking if our free cruise included our family in its old or current composition. This was such a generous gift that we certainly don't want to look greedy or make waves (pun intended) The response was that, OF COURSE, it included the new kids, the promise was made to our family as a whole, not just the members that we had last summer. They are good people. Paying for the three other kids would have made finances really really tight.

If I ever become really really rich, I hope and can be as generous.

hawaii

2005-11-30T07:48:00.000-08:00

We got back from Hawaii at 11:30 Sunday night. Everyone was exhausted.

Our condo was wonderful - large, clean, well appointed. The ocean was wonderful. I enjoyed the crystal clear ocean more than swimming anywhere, ever before. I could see my feet clearly enough to count my toes while standing in chest deep water. The weather was very nearly perfect - it only rained one day and we spent that day driving up Haleakala. The drive was miserable for Holly, since she hates to drive in the rain, and on winding roads, and hates to ride while others are driving even more. The end was worth it. The top was above the clouds and the sun was brilliant. The babies had a great time running around. The teens were excited about the scale and being so high and the views. We talked with a cyclist who had biked all the way up in the rain, then we met him again after he'd ridden back down. That was really cool.

We took the girls to see the rocky remnants of lava flows - acre upon acre of volcanic rock.

We went to a luau. A thousand people. A pig roasted in the ground. Poi. Hula dancers and fire dancers. Mai Tais. M was among the audience members chosen to dance on stage with the dancers. She loved it and did a great job.

Hours on beautiful, pristine beaches. No garbage or tar and very few cigarette butts. The cleanliness was a relief also because it made watching the babies so much easier. Very little they could get into except salt water and sand. They both enjoyed jumping waves with me and Holly. The teens got a chance to snorkel and kayak.

Holly and I didn't have as much of a chance to relax as we wished. Much of our time was spent chasing babies and trying to bring down angry/overstimulated teens. S and K both went off in the presence of Holly's family, including her three and four year old nephews. That was really hard. We can bring S down, usually within a few minutes, but K won't budge. she insists on spewing venom on anyone who comes near and she keeps trying to push S's buttons after we calm S down. The two of them caused enough grief before, during and after the luau that we are charging them for part of the entrance fee.

All in all, it was a good trip.

OT

2005-11-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

I got an email from Harley-Davidson encouraging me to encourage women I know to ride. I took their Rider's Edge course last year, courtesy of my beloved who knows me better than anyone. The ad reminded me of that course.

I had eight classmates, five guys and three other women. I doubt straight women do this, but when I am amongst strangers I often try to figure out who is gay and who is straight. The female teacher was gay (no brainer) one of the other women was married to one of the guys (no brainer.) That left one woman who was older than me and didn't read lesbian, but her motorcycle experience was driving the truck that pulled the trailer for a Harley riding women's group on their long trips. That reads lesbian. Off hand, I can't think of any straight all women Harley groups. The last woman was younger than me and I really thought I picked up a gay vibe from her, in that sort of energetic urban professional sort of way, but the two fresh out of college guys she was with referenced her boyfriend multiple times, so I put her in the 'whatever' category in my brain. To each their own, right?

I am pretty 'out'. I referenced Holly and the kids during our introductions and during the class time. I figure the more casual and matter-of-fact I am, the more everyone else will be as well. It works pretty well for me. I've never been challenged or yelled at or anything.

On night two of class, the younger woman, (don't remember names, I'll call her Lisa) sat next to me and was really nice. For no reason. I played along. Never hurts to make friends with people. The next day we started riding and that made us all too tired to be overly communicative.

Anyhow, to get to the point of the story, Sunday was the test day. Lisa had had so much trouble with the clutch that her wrist was killing her and she chose not to test. I got to the last task and laid out the bike - automatic Fail. So, I sat off to the side with Lisa as we watched the rest take the test. She told me what she'd been dying to tell me the whole time - she was a dyke. She'd had a 7 year relationship with a girlfriend who dumped her. She was dating this younger guy sort of out of boredom. It killed her to see me being so out and she had to keep her mouth shut. She was very very apologetic about hiding her true self. She was embarrassed. But she was having fun with these fresh out of college guys who partied every night. We spent the rest of the time sitting on the fence speculating about the older lady with the Harley riding female friends.

Kind of depressing - so attractive, intelligent and fun to be around and settling for someone she didn't really care for. I guess it makes sense to think that she didn't want to be with a woman until she healed. Oh well, to each their own, right?

Anyway, that is what the Harley ad made me think about.

my view of S

2005-11-14T09:20:00.000-08:00

Lionmom may disagree with all or part of this, and that is okay.

S, in many ways has completely recovered from her attempt. Her grief over it and the pain it caused us and others lasted four or five days. She doesn't think about it anymore, unless someone brings it up. No lingering depression. As far as I can tell, her behavior is about the same as before. This is one of the hardest things to explain about her behavior. As far as she is concerned, the attempt was in the past and she didn't mean to do it and she won't try again. Even though she did mean to do it when she did it and the circumstance could very well happen again. She is on to her next thing, eating as much candy as possible and the upcoming trip.

The only way to get her to show a reaction about it now would be to hammer her about it, which we do on occasion when she doesn't remember why her computer and phone privileges are curtailed, why she can't have a friend over for the whole weekend. This is very frustrating for the rest of us.

Her friends, and some of our friends, probably, think that we are too hard on her because we seem to lose our tempers and rail at her. What doesn't come across in brief meetings with her is that if she doesn't want to feel something, or notice something, she won't. She's very good at that type of avoidance. If she is behaving badly and we want her to notice and react to our comments, we have to get in her face and be pretty intense. It looks mean from the outside. But she's got to hear what we have to say. And she still has a bunch of behaviors that will hinder her survival in the outside world.

Another thing,
I wish I knew why someone is always messing with Kaia's blog. She gets royally bitchy, mean commenters and she doesn't deserve it. Then, whoever it is goes to Rosie's blog and makes mean, bitchy comments in Kaia's name. Good Lord, she's only 18!!!

it's final

2005-11-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

S is back home, thank goodness, and back to her joyful, loud self. At court yesterday the judge agreed that she should still go on our thanksgiving trip. We were worried about that. Luckily, the therapists and psychiatrists agreed that her problem was her normal behavior spiraling out of her control, rather than a depressive state. It is more likely that she will not have another similar spiral if she is with us than if we try to leave her here.

This, of course, led to another problem - what to do with M. She is not moving in with us permanently until after thanksgiving, but we'd told her we were trying to get her to come with us. We finally got her judge's approval. When we didn't know if S could go, we pondered using her ticket for M, but that is now out of the question. I searched for reasonably priced tickets several times today. The airlines seem to change the prices randomly throughout the day. Anyway, during lunch I found one for only $100 more than we paid for the rest of ours. She is going to be on different flights, but she has flown alone before and is not scared. All of her arrival and departure times are within an hour or so of ours, so she won't really be alone except on the plane. I bought the ticket.

Our case manager is going to try to find some money to pay us back for part of it, since this will lead to quite a lean Christmas. Oh well, this will be worth it.

i wish i wish i wish

2005-11-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a magic button to heal the hurts my kids have. I visited S at the psych ward and it was so freaking depressing. The place is dismal - painted buff tan, white spots on her room's walls that were patched but never painted, a couple of twenty watt bulbs for light. Yet, people tell me it's a good place, nicer than most. Why put people who are already depressed in such a dismal place? The children's hospital is run by the same group and it was really nice. Is there a rule that mental hospitals have to be depressing? She's been there since Sunday and hasn't even seen a doctor yet. She has been to several group sessions, apparently they have three mandatory ones a day.

We thought she would get individual attention. We thought that they would adjust her meds to level out her mood swings. They say she might be out by Friday, how does that give them time to work with her meds when she hasn't even talked to a doctor yet?

Then the whole placement thing. She is not legally ours, anymore. We have no say in her care. We are only allowed to visit out of curtesy because they only allow immediate family and we are no relation. Her future is in the hands of doctors we've never met, a catholic nun social worker and her caseworker who's met her twice in six months.

S has court on Wednesday. She won't be able to attend, but it could be a good thing. Holly will go by herself because I've already missed so much work. She has a good reputation and the judge likes her. He commended us on the work we've done with S in the past. He has handled most of her appearances over the years and knows S. Hopefully, he will give us some assurances.

rough week, long week

2005-11-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Here's what's going on. And a teenager's perspective.

halloween

2005-11-02T06:18:00.000-08:00

The babies couldn't go because they were too congested and therefore grumpy. S and M dressed up and ran the whole neighborhood, each getting probably 7 or 8 pounds of candy. They looked great, S was a dementor and M was a witch.

Cutest costumes:
a boy whose family is from some other country dressed as Spiderman, except he had his top on backwards and his little foam muscles were bulging all on his back.
a two year old dressed as Pooh. He had really fat cheeks. As his mom walked up carrying him, I said It's Pooh! and he said "Winnie Pooh Winnie Pooh Winnie Pooh!!!" His mother said, "No, say Happy Halloween." and he said "Winnie Pooh Winnie Pooh Winnie Pooh!!" I gave him some candy and his mom told him to say thank you and he said, "Pee O Ween Pee O Ween Pee O Ween!!"
a little girl, dressed in sparkly white with wings came up. I asked if she was a princess or an angel. "An Angel." she responded. I told her she was the most beautiful angel I'd seen all night. "Yes, thank you." she said with a big smile.

an interesting post

2005-10-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

from Rosie

day 3

2005-10-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I mentioned that we were waiting for S's inevitable crash. We still are. I still expect it to come, but am more than thrilled that she has kept it together for this long. Yesterday on the drive home from school, she and I had a great discussion about two different topics - why she isn't attracting potential girlfriends and the Anti-gay marriage ammendment on the 11/8 ballot in Texas.

I was so impressed with the maturity she showed during the conversation. And the fact that she hadn't behaved badly enough to warrant a call from school so far this week.

These moments make me glow with pride.

birthday

2005-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today is S's fifteenth birthday. It is hard to believe. She has come so far.

We didn't go overboard on presents this year - one big thing and three littler things, all of which will be useful in Hawaii (somebody suggested it on Holly's blog awhile back). She's been sane about her birthday so far, which is good and a bit surprising. She had such an active weekend, with a band competition, football game and people visiting that we thought she might crash before now. We are going out for dinner tonight, just the family, as low key as possible. Although the 'family' as grown to as many as eleven. Holly will probably keep her out of school tomorrow, and give space for the inevitable crash to manifest itself at home rather than school.

S and M (who we will begin to foster soon) went to the local gay/lesbian/bi youth drop in last night, and M got hit on. I wasn't surprised. She is beautiful and interesting. She also go hit on twice at S's football game, although we didn't tell S. M jokingly told me about a stack of boy's phone numbers that she's gotten and keeps for fun because she views herself as a lesbian. We laughed.

The clincher is that S is jealous. She has seen all of her older sisters get that kind of attention, and never has herself. Holly handled it last night - explaining that firstly, S does not put out an image of someone who is interested in a relationship, with her bad posture, scuffling feet, sketchy hygiene and often unmatched/unkempt clothing. Those kinds of things marginalize her, so even though she has more friends than she ever has, she recognizes that she is not completely accepted. Secondly, Holly explained that kids her age are not the best about accepting people that are different. S may be fun for the other kids to be around, but she doesn't have the maturity level or social skills to truly 'fit in'.

Don't know how she did it, but Holly talked her down last night. We shall see what the future brings.

rough couple of days

2005-10-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

I get to go to a meeting at the high school to discuss K's remaining time. This meeting is called an ARD and it happens every year. This year we don't have much to say since she just has one more semester with three classes left. She's doing okay in school. It's the rest that is giving her trouble. Part of it is normal teenage stuff, except that it is amplified 10 fold by her anxiety.

She is scared of being on her own, of doing grown up things. She knows she can stay with us as long as she needs to, but she needs to be on a path - either working at a paying job, going to school/college, or doing some serious emotional work that is more involved than hanging out on the Harry Potter website. If she isn't doing one or more of the above, she's going to get pressure (not kicked out, haven't even discussed that). Her response to pressure is to become totally defensive. For over a year, she has demanded that she needs space and her own time to get past these mountains/mole hills on her own, and that any pressure from us will result in a downslide. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy... Anyway, we have largely acquiessed. She's had space and time and much less structure and accountability than the other girls and it hasn't really worked. Her anxiety is crippling. Her meds have been changed several times until they are keeping her as stable as they can.

Did we do it wrong? We were so hesitant to push earlier because her emotions are so raw. But, now she is nearly 18 and hasn't dealt with enough demons to hold a job, go to college, and seems scared to death of working through her issues. I realize that a lot of kids that age are half crazy with anxiety about being an adult. I was, and it took me 15 years to really work through my issues. Holly could say the same. The difference is that we were functional, for the most part. We worked and/or went to school the whole time and K doesn't really have an answer as to how she is going to make it - just that she will leave when she can.

adoption

2005-10-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the first half (Holly's half) of the twins' adoption was completed. Everyone was really helpful and happy for us. The babies now officially have the names we chose and don't belong to the state in any way shape or form. Our lawyer said that my half will consumate in 4-8 weeks. That will be cool, but this was the biggest step.

As we were waiting for our turn in front of the judge, the babies' CPS caseworker mentioned to me that the twin's mother has turned up and stating she is pregnant again. She asked if we would be interested. That was an interesting and timely question!!! As you see from my previous post, we were just talking about another baby. The caseworker likes us, thank goodness, and is going to figure out who to let know that we are interested if/when this baby is born. Luckily, the state likes to keep sibling groups together, so we would be very high on the list. We aren't getting our hopes up, though. She said she was pregnant after the twins were born and we don't know what happened to that baby, if she was telling the truth.

The teens are surprisingly happy with the thought of another baby, especially when they heard that it might be the twins' sibling. They really love those little ones. The twins have brought so much to our family. In some ways they bring the family together - our troubled teens who are so incredibly self-involved open up and give of themselves to the babies. They are proud of the babies' accomplishments even above their own. We took a risk bringing the twins into the family, but it has more than paid off in one short year!

purty big stuff

2005-10-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

Holly brought up an interesting topic the other day, Do we want another baby? We've discussed it several times since. I would love to adopt another, but are we ready? Do we have the space? Would the teengers come around? Does Holly have time and energy?

We think all of the above are yes. It wouldn't happen until around Christmas or next year. We still have a lot of talking to do. Haven't even brought it up to the kids, yet. Or the grandparents... It would fill our space up, the state allows six and that would be three babies and three teens. No more respite for friends. But babies are so much fun.

2005-10-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

Had an interesting weekend. Lots of baby alone time since Holly had to catch up on some paperwork. Great for me and the babies, bummer for me and Holly. Baby girl sang the ABC song with me, well she the first few words, but she was on a roll. She also counted to three with me. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't have a clue what those words mean, but you've got to start somewhere. Holly convinced me that Baby Boy probably knows just as much as Baby Girl, but is too busy sucking his fingers to participate. He watches and laughs.

S had a rough week at school last week, but pulled herself together and had a great weekend. She was a joy to be with, most of the time. Almost all of her problems at school involve one teacher. I've met her face to face and Holly's talked to her on the phone in depth and we can't figure out what S's problem is. The best we can figure out is that S wanted to take Theater Arts and couldn't because of band, so they put her in Art. The teacher's goal is to teach the kids how to draw in a certain way that involves following instructions one step at a time and taking one's time. Guess what S's biggest problems are? So, we thought this class would be great, and the teacher has been very patient with her. S has decided to take offense at every thing this woman says. She's thrown a couple of mini tantrums and gets in trouble in that class almost every day. We are siding with the teacher. S has been told that she is not going to get transferred to another class just because she refuses to get along with her teacher, and she will have a very boring Halloween if she has any more outbursts with this teacher.

Holly will have to update you on Kaia.

E is all set in her apartment with bad girlfriend and her baby. They glowed with pride when we visited them. I hope they keep their s**t together, or at least that E does.

root canal

2005-10-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

Had a root canal yesterday. It wasn't much fun. It was also very expensive, even with my insurance. Luckily, the doctor was pretty good because it doesn't hurt very much at all today. And my toothache is gone. He has to do something else to it next Friday, then I have to get it crowned.

Have I mentioned lately how brilliant my children are? K and S both made second Honor Roll. E is moving into her own apartment today, which she managed, on her own, to get soley in her name without BG on the lease. So, if they have problems and BG gets too mean or violent, E can call the police and have her removed. She loves BG, so Holly and I have been as tolerent as we can with the relationship, but she realizes how volatile it is and has left a way out. I'm very proud that she has retained the backbone to do it. She may not need it, though. After four months of living here and a few vain attempts at getting a job, BG had an epiphany yesterday that she needs to get her GED!!! We've only mentioned it, nicely and with subtlety, a dozen times. Awfully hard to get a job when you have no education, no job history and no verifiable job skills!!

The twins are figuring things out faster than we can keep up with them. They climb like monkeys. BG's son, who is four months older, can't keep up with their climbing. They've taught him to communicate in their babble language, although they are all learning new words every day. And how to get past our blockade to the TV. And how to bravely stand on top of the back of the couch. Holly's going crazy. Wish her luck!!

2005-10-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Holly lightly chastised me for not blogging in a week. I know. And last week was quite busy. The biggest reason I didn't blog was that my tooth hurts and it is very distracting. My gp gave me vicodin on Monday. Finally got into the dentist on Friday and he said it was my tooth but he doesn't do molar root canals. the endodontist got me in tomorrow at 12:15. Then I have to go back to the dentist to get a cap put on it. I've been sparing with the meds, thank goodness. Just glad I'm not afraid of dentists.

Both our highschoolers have been on the edge of crashing for a week. After six whole weeks of nearly normal 14 yo behavior, S took a dive and became controlling tantrum girl again. We think we know why and are dealing with it as theraputically as we can. We are also praying that she doesn't mess up school so badly that she loses the ground she's worked so hard for. Our other teen is finally making friends, but, from our angle, doesn't seem like she's doing it in a healthy way.

We began using new problem tracking software at my job today. Of course, it doesn't work. None of the new software we've gotten in the past two or three years has been tested properly. They (the magical they) don't seem to think that we need proper training on it either. For some reason, they can't get a fully working model up before rollout, so they test pieces at a time. Our instructions today were to follow our written instructions. Unfortunately, the instructions say to click on buttons that don't exist in the version of the software we have. Now, my group troubleshoots software all the time - we ought to be able to figure it out, but we can't because it doesn't work. We can't get one single issue entered correctly. The other group that uses it has already given up and is just listing everything on paper. I use a spreadsheet, but I guess its the same thing. Wonderful way to start a week.

Not a drop

2005-09-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Not only did Rita miss us, we didn't even get a drop of much needed rain from her. Well, better safe than sorry. Now we have pretty much everything we might need if we have some other natural disaster.

It was very hot yesterday - up to 108, I think. We went swimming at a local spring fed pool. In previous posts I mentioned that one of our teens has a bio sibling whose adoption placement fell apart for very scary reasons. She has been quite worried since she found out, and even with all the strings we could pull, we weren't able to get a visit set up until yesterday at the pool. It was hot as the dickens, but the water was cold and all the kids, from teens to babies enjoyed it. The sibling was okay - happy enough, willing to play in the water with his sister even though he'd wanted to meet us at the mall instead. He wants to live with us. We can't. He is going to need specialized care that we can't give him with so many kids in the house. Additionally, he and his sister will feed off of each other's emotions if they lived together and her emotional rollercoaster alone stretches our abilities. We still feel a bit of guilt.

heavy weekend

2005-09-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Rita is coming!!!
It is all that is on the news. Usually, since we're in Central Texas, we only get rain, hail, maybe a tornado or two from a hurricane. Unfortunately, there is a 10-20% chance that Rita will turn our direction and might still be a category one hurricane when it hits us.

Lots of evacuees still stuck in traffic in south/east Texas. We bought some water, candles, flashlights, etc, in case the power goes off. Canned food and formula, too. We put fresh batteries in the weather radio. As far as we know, family and friends from the Gulf area are safe and sound. Holly and I are a bit worried, but not much more we can do. The sun is shining brilliantly right now. partly cloudy. We don't live in a flood plain and the house is on one of the highest spots in the neighborhood, so flooding is not a fear. Probably the biggest worry is a tornado, but we are as ready as we can be for that, too.

So, I'm in a good mood. I'm not going to get myself into a worry loop when there isn't anything we can do until this blows over. If we show worry, our high strung teens could very well go into panic attacks. We have already explained the situation in detail to each of them, very carefully as to not bring on overreactions.

Thanks to those who've sent prayers and positive thoughts. I think it is helping!

a good weekend

2005-09-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Our trip went well - not perfectly, but well enough for us. The wedding was beautiful. The weather was a cool respite from the heat here. The kids behaved well enough to not freak out my mother-in-law. We met lots of cool people in Seattle!

The only behavior that my m-i-l complained of was stuff we already know about. Some we're already working on - others we've decided to let go for now. That happens sometimes when they have so many troubling problems - you have to choose your battles.

A weekend alone with Holly was much needed. Even though we had guilt about leaving the kids, the together alone time was worth it. Holly is using some of the energy and calm she collected this weekend to address issues with one of the kids right now. Patience patience patience. Sometimes our kids lie incorrigibly. They do something wrong, then, straight to our face, lie about it. They will actually convince themselves that they are telling the truth. One of our kids is getting much better about it - even if she lies, she will usually cop to it almost right away. The other teen is getting worse, I think. That is what Holly is going to address. It is one of the things that she can do infinitely better than me. Holly will talk her through it, whereas I would not have the patience - I would state the truth and leave her to work it out. That's why Holly and I are a good couple.

leaving

2005-09-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

Holly and I leave for a wedding halfway across the country tomorrow at 7AM. That is very very early. Her mom (Emma) and grandma are coming down to watch the kids. Well, not all the kids. S is spending most of the weekend at our friend's house and E is heading back to trash town with BG and her baby. E wanted to stay, but Emma would have felt obligated to kill BG for past transgressions, so we gave them gas money.

Can't think of a reason for things to go wrong, but the fear is there. We've never really left the kids with anyone else for any length of time.

The other side is that Holly and I will have a whole weekend together. YES!!

a positive note

2005-09-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday evening at the school district's marching band jamboree. It is not a competition, just a show and it's been around since way back when I was in high school, umpteen years ago.

Some things have changed about it. Bands and drill teams, as a whole, are smaller. I find this sad because these activities can do so much for kids. My alma mater and the schools that were our competition then are now poor 'inner city' schools with weak programs. The bigger, suburban schools (which we used to be) have more money, more kids and huge magnificent shows. Our shows, twenty odd years ago, were simpler to perform than the new ones, but we never performed the exact show twice , and these bands start on their very complex contest shows before school even starts. One band actually only had eleven kids on the field. They didn't even have a trumpet player - their band director had to play the part. They did have heart though, and they actually marched a show, didn't just stand in one place and play. My alma mater did pretty well. The band was probably half the size of when I was in it, but they held their own and were the first band to really do well in the show.

Of course, I was there to support S. She isn't quite up to marching par, but she wears the uniform and helps the percussion and color guard get set up. Her band is also an older, inner city school, but they are a fine arts magnet and have great directors. They were better than some of the bands twice their size.

This may not mean much to any of you, but I asked S which band she thought did the best and she said, "Mine, of course." She is part of a group and takes ownership and pride in it. Many people who've known her for many years never thought something like this would happen. Currently, she plans on staying in throughout high school, even if she never marches. She has a couple of friends in band and they want letter jackets.

We live in reality - something could happen tomorrow to change it, but for now - :-)

old and new

2005-09-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

We've had this stomach thing running around the house, and with so many of us it has taken so long. S has it now, but she is bucking up and trying to make it through school because she has a performance tonight. It is pretty much a 24 hour thing, except for BG's little boy (20 months old) He does not seem to be as hardy as our twins. They were clingy and had diarrhea, but still active. He was laid out and throwing up as well as the rest. His mother, BG, is beginning to see the benefits of feeding real food and milk and keeping things clean. This is the first time he's been really sick since they've been up here.

K is convinced that she needs to move out of the house as soon as possible. She'll be eighteen in November. I don't think she is ready. Three classes a day in high school and working less than 16 hours a week lays her out with anxiety. Don't know how she plans on translating that into any kind of college hours and supporting herself. The state provides some support such as medicaid and covering college costs, and she'll get some money to get set up in an apartment and maybe cover a few living expenses, but she'll still have to work. She wants a car, and we've told her we'll get her an old clunker or a really cheap new Kia or something, but only if she's working and can pay part of the insurance. If she is still living with us, we'll give her a tank or so of gas a month, but the rest is up to her.

How do you teach kids that a certain age doesn't make you grownup? The freedom that they expect - being able to make your own decisions and choose your own destiny - only come with (although I hate to say it) money. If you can't support yourself, you are stuck following the wishes of those who can/will support you.

do we want more?

2005-09-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

On top of everything else going on, another foster family had some trouble, so we have two more toddlers for an unknown amount of time. A sister and brother, almost four and almost three. Before we had our own babies, we used to do respite for these two regularly, and we've kind of missed them over the last year and a half. It hurts because we wanted them for keeps back then, but they were (and still are, apparently) in some sort of limbo. We think it is because the caseworker wants to place them with their three older siblings. That is a big deal because it will be very difficult to find a placement for five kids together, especially when they are African American and have abuse and developmental issues.

Holly and I have less of a problem with separating siblings after our experiences. The kids have been separated for two years already, and one can always stipulate sibling visits/contact in the adoption. Sometimes, I think it is even better to separate them. The older kids have a chance to learn to be children and not the 'responsible one', and the younger kids are removed from whatever problem behaviors the older ones have learned.

I wish we could keep them, but we don't have room. Our agency wouldn't go for it anyway because they think the foster family they are with would take offense. Don't really understand why, but it has been made clear to us. I think that the fact that we seriously considered trying to adopt them was one reason (besides having younger twins) that stopped us from doing respite for them.

more stuff

2005-09-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

All sorts of new stuff to brag about...
Sophia told me she loved me and gave me kisses over the phone. Ben actually talked to me on the phone, though it wasn't intelligible. After a momentary let down this morning, E is once again thrilled about school. She has her chef uniform now. She really looks cute in it and that helps.

Weird stuff - having trouble getting a hold of the adopted brother of one of our kids. They've had regular contact for a couple of years. Don't know what, but something has happened that nobody told us about.

Then this whole Katrina thing. GOOD LORD!!! I work for a social service agency, and even though I'm in the middle of Texas, hundreds of miles from the hurricane zone, our field offices are already getting swamped with refugees. This is fine - it is what we do. The bugger is that tens of thousands of people are still freaking stuck in New Orleans!! This is not Sumatra!! Why do they not have every available bus on that stupid highway to get those poor people out!! Why are the oil companies not donating millions of gallons of gas to get those people moved! Why hasn't every church between here and New Orleans offered their Parrish halls to hold refugees? Why hasn't every college/university offered a gym?

Holly and I can't take anyone into our house, if we didn't already practically have E sleeping on the couch, the state says everyone in our house has to have a background check, etc. We've given to the Red Cross already. I'm going to give to an animal agency this evening. Don't forget about the animals!!! However crass this sounds and however it makes you think less of me, the people had a chance to evacuate, and the pets/animals weren't given the choice.

so much for my raves and rants... peace to all!

Kaia Rose

2005-08-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the illusion of anonymity on the web is dangerous. Someone posted comments on Rosie's blog using the name "Kaia Rose," which of course is my daughter. She didn't post those comments, because she was in school, then with Holly while most of them were posted. She takes an opposite stance to the commentor, and she would probably gladly debate that person (She is quite well spoken).

I'm sad that someone would take the name that she spent so much time and effort and heart choosing and use it to slam someone for whom she has so much respect. It seems deliberate - it's a rather unique name. Was it jealousy? Did that person know that Kaia was the one that moved Rosie to give the cruises to, and so try to sabotage? I don't know.

The comments are closed. I guess when they are opened Kaia will have to go and defend herself. She can, she is a great writer, but she should not have to. I guess this is her first experience with fame - or at least being out there so that people know who you are.

bragging

2005-08-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

The twins are sick (bronchitis) but they were so happy this morning. I got lots of hugs and 'bye-bye moms'. It is a great way to start the day.

Ben can almost do a chin-up. I don't think that 16 mo babies are supposed to be this strong, so it must just show how remarkable he is. If they don't have their trays on them, Sophia can climb up into either highchair. She can't get down, yet, so she sits lording over Ben (who climbs better but is just too short to make it) until she wants down, then she squeals until one of us gets her out.

Just wanted to brag.

to be or not to be

2005-08-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

All sorts of interesting things happened yesterday. Kaia made plans to meet with her biomom/sisters at the mall. She was hesitant about having us there because last time her mother 'got sick' and she was afraid the illness had to do with meeting us. Holly made it clear that we don't leave our kids hanging to dry and said we'd be there, we would hang out elsewhere, if she wanted, but we'd be in the building. And we're not wicked witches, we are mature enough to be pleasant and keep any judgmental thoughts to ourselves.

These types of meetings are very painful for us. We've done our best to parent these girls for three or four years. We've tried to build trust and self confidence and overcome abuse and neglect. In every case, their biomoms were a major cause of the problem, but they keep running back. If they can't run back, they romanticize the memories - their biomoms did the best they could, she was addicted, she didn't understand how to deal with me.... They love their biomoms. They know it hurts us, and we know they can't help it. I guess we are all wired to love our mother figures.

It is very difficult for us to view these women objectively. We deal with the results of the abuse, neglect and molestation that these women caused or let happen. They lose girls who are effed up, come back for the finished product, and totally miss the nightmares that come out in the middle.

The meeting seemed to go well. We ate lunch together in the foodcourt, then Kaia went off with them to shop and we shopped for clothes for M, who was with us for the afternoon. Her family was polite and nice and her mom seemed to be in a sane place. She privately thanked Holly and me for the work we'd done. Kaia seemed to enjoy herself.

One thing that we never let work us over are the threats to go back. The first time it comes out the answer is if you want to live with your bio family, thats up to you. We won't be manipulated.

E is dealing with her bio environment pretty much like we expected. We'd like to think that her taking BG home to small town hell yesterday and promising to come back, alone, in time to start community college on Tuesday is a big step. We know that she might fall off again, even several times. I think that she sees Holly and me for what we are, and that we only have her best interest at heart. She honestly can't say that about her biofamily or practically anyone in small town hell.

We had a visit with M yesterday. She asked me why Kaia would choose to not tell her family about her name change. I told her she didn't want to hurt her biomom's feelings. M's first response, was "SO?" then she stopped her self and admitted that she wouldn't want to hurt her mom's feelings, either. I was impressed that she sees this so young.

reflection

2005-08-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as you know if you read Holly's blog, we (mostly Holly and E) babysat a set of beautiful twin girls that we'd fostered from age 3 to 8 mos. Now they are almost 18 months old, just six weeks older than our twins. The experience gave us all a taste of how quads would be, and it wasn't something we would wish for.
It did show us many things:

our babies are doing well developmentally, as they easily kept up with the older girls;
boys are different than girls - the three girls, even at this young age, wanted more contact with each other and the adults than B;
even though we really grieved when the girls left us for their adoptive placement, it was the right thing to do.
Having them around showed that our twins are OURS and perfect for us, and H and H are doing very well with their adoptive mother.
S is the most beautiful baby in the world. Whenever we finally get Holly's divorce decree from California (curse their disorganization) and the adoption goes through, I will post a picture and you can agree with me.
We couldn't help but compare the two sets of twins and for some reason, S and B just seemed preferable in practically every situation.
Babysitting four children under two is fun, but longterm would be totally and completely exhausting.

Okay, well, I can't exactly speak for my other family members, but this is how I feel.

morning of the first day of school

2005-08-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

The day started out pretty well, at least for me. Holly had to get up at 4:30 to take E to the hospital for an upper and lower GI procedure. I took the morning off to watch the babies and take the teens to their first day of school.

The twins usually start fussing to get out of bed about 7, so I went back to sleep. About 6:45 I woke to dogs barking and went downstairs. S, in a nervous bout of energy that she sometimes gets on big days, had gotten up when Holly left, gotten Ben out of bed, changed his diaper and fed him, gotten herself dressed, made K coffee and me iced tea. Now, even though I new that Ben would have been perfectly happy talking and drowsing in bed until 7, I thanked her and drank my tea. K came downstairs, showered and dressed. What to do? They didn't have to be at school until 9am... Of course!!! K had the perfect answer - IHOP!

So I got dressed and took everyone to IHOP for breakfast. We made it to school with plenty of time for K to show S where her first couple of classes were. I went home, put the twins down for their nap, and took one myself until Holly and E got home. The procedure went well. Didn't see any ulcers and the doctor feels that her stomach problems are stress related.

A very good morning. E didn't have any after affects from the procedure - as a matter of fact, since she had not eaten since lunch yesterday, she made a pretty big lunch for herself. She now has contact with two catering companies, which hopefully will keep her employed well enough to provide some comfort while she goes to school (yes, if you haven't been reading Holly's blog, she has decided to go to culinary school again) Her girlfriend, BG, was eating lunch with E when E told me about the second caterer. Trying to gently keep up the pressure, I told BG that it was up to her, now. Once she is regularly employed, they can get their own apartment, and she didn't get mad or defensive or anything. She said that she knew that and Holly's ex was going to show her some places to try. She even sounded enthusiastic about it. (Holly's ex, although a very smart woman, has experience dealing with people who have no education or experience and maybe a bit too much attitude, so we asked her to help.)

I know that this feeling may be fleeting. Lot's of things can still go wrong, but I am going to enjoy this while I can. Life is so much easier when you've had enough sleep!!

when things work

2005-08-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

S, our fourteen year old, is starting high school this year. She was in band in middle school and she kind of liked it, even though she isn't very good. We insisted that she stay in band at least to start high school. Band, in my experience, is someplace where you can be a little more off the wall and weird than the general school population and still be part of the group. Lord only knows that S needs all the help she can get to fit in. Her band directors have a policy of finding a place for everyone that wants to participate. Even though she couldn't play or march well enough to take part that way, her director explained that she could be the Color Guard manager, and help keep all of their equipment straight. He made it sound like an honor and she is pretty exited about it.

One of the band seniors called Holly the other day and explained that they have a tradition of kidnapping the band freshman early one morning and taking them out to have a party. Today was the morning. About a dozen seniors, complete with trumpet, cymbals and silly string, arrived at our house at 5:20 this morning. After I let them in, they quietly made their way to S's room opened the door and woke her to a cacophony. S handled it so well. She sleepy and confused, but she went and had a good time. It was probably one of the most normal things she's ever done.

We hope hope hope that she can get support from band. At least she will know people in her classes and in the hallways. She'll go to the football games and have a responsibility within the group. Those things made a big difference for me in high school. We don't know how much to let go. You never know if she is going to respond to something as a fifteen year old or a seven year old, but she seemed to handle this well, and that's a good sign.

love love love

2005-08-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

I love my kids!!!
K had a great day at work yesterday. She has made some friend/acquaintances, which is a big deal for her. We all know that work is so much easier when you have someone to talk to. She and E are both doing part time work for a caterer starting next week. If this could work out, it would be perfect, since they both want to get into culinary school.

The twins are both absolutely brilliant! Sophia is learning new words every day! She's been saying "Wee doe wee doe wee doe" for a few days, but we didn't know it meant something specific until Holly turned on the Wiggles and she squealed and shouted "Wee doe!" and pointed at the TV. She calls both of us mommy, now, and will say "I lu" and give hugs. She will also hold her hand out, palm up and say "peez" if you ask her to. Yesterday, she figured out how to climb into their car shaped exersaucer/activity thing. This made Ben mad because he'd been trying to get in it for twenty minutes. I think he is just too short, still. Ben climbed up on the Leap Pad Table and stood up with no hands. He can't do it every time yet, but he is getting more and more confident.

I know that everyone believes that their kids are brilliant, but that doesn't phase me.

a long weekend

2005-08-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Usually, a long weekend means extra time off from work. This time it means that Holly is out of town. Her grandma isn't doing very well. Send her some prayers and/or positive energy!! Holly's mom is so stressed out, as well. She is the primary caretaker of the whole family, and she takes that job seriously. It isn't easy to watch your mother suffer.

Holly took our fourteen year old with her, and left me with the twins, Kaia and E, who is still around and determined to be helpful. She has been helpful. Kaia had her second eight hour work day today and wanted more attention/sympathy than I had to give her. I know her feet hurt and she is tired, but I'd done lots of laundry and twin tending and missing Holly and was dwelling in my own little space. The good part is that I've spent so much time with the twins. They've figured out how to go down their slide by themselves and will get on their swing and sit backwards, swing and laugh about it.

I guess we all have our own ways of coping. Luckily, Kaia is mature enough to understand. Send a bit more positiveness to Holly and her mom and grandma!

got tagged...

2005-08-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

5 years ago today: I was in San Antonio taking care of my sister during her second bone marrow transplant.
yesterday: made my sweetie sloppy joes for her birthday, by request
today: ate pancakes, runny eggs and cold cheese pizza that my fourteen year old made for dinner
5 snacks I enjoy: fudgecycles, popcorn, cheetos, nuts, cold spaghetti
5 bands that I know the lyrics of most of their songs: Sting, kd lang, melissa etheridge, cher, the wiggles
5 things I would do with $100,000,000: 1) take my family on a round the world cruise 2) figure out a way to help foster kids age out sanely 3) give money to charities that I liked 4) pay off my friends' mortgages 5) quit my job
5 bad habits I have: 1) whining 2) sulking 3) talking to random strangers (although sometimes it works out well) 4) eat too much cheese 5) procrastination
5 things I would never wear: things that itch, clothing that would require me to shave places I don't want to, latex, anything that is too hot.
5 famous people: Rosie, Ellen, Cher, Sting, Prince
5 TV shows I like: numbers, medium, what not to wear, Amazing Race, Kept
5 movies I like: Point of no return, Purple Rain, To Kill a Mockingbird, Birdie, Harry Potter
5 biggest joys at this moment: Family, Music, Books, Family, Music
5 people to tag: not going there.

dunno

2005-08-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

E drove off with gf without really giving Holly the time of day. We really just want to know what's going on. Are they going to stay for awhile? Where are they going to stay? Are we supposed to feed them and give them gas money or are they going to find jobs?

If they would just buckle down for a few months, they could get their s**t together and life would be so much easier. Why is it so hard for kids to understand? At least these kids? Most kids party and do stupid things when they are at this age, but most of them also work a job and or go to college or a training program. That is the difference.

I remember those days clearly. My friends and I going camping with a 10 gallon cooler filled with Everclear spiked lemonade. I always had to drive because my 10 year old Toyota station wagon was the best, most reliable car of the bunch. We would have fun and get drunk, but we mostly made it back to school and work the next week. And we all eventually graduated, paired up, got real jobs, bought houses, had kids. I wonder if E would find buckling down easier if she'd been with us for longer.

home again

2005-08-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

Our oldest, E, after going back to her dreadful hometown for a wedding and staying for over a week, called us Sunday and said that she and her girlfriend were going to a town in South Texas where gf's cousin or some relative owned a business and was going to give them jobs. We were a little surprised, because gf's family has not produced much positive as far as we know. Then, of course called last night and said they were coming back to us because the cousin's jobs would take awhile to pan out. Don't know what we are supposed to do with them. Still can't keep gf in the house because, last we heard she has someone out to kill her, and she's a known drug dealer. This pisses off E, because she feels like we don't support her with the love of her life. If they'd put serious effort in to it when they were in town last time, they'd have jobs by now and be within a month or so of getting an apartment. Of course, it's hard to get a job that pays enough to live on when you don't have marketable skills or high school diploma/ged.

Holly is trying to see if she can get them involved with Job Corp. Then they could finish their GEDs and learn a marketable skill and maybe get some other help on the way. It is all very frustrating.

more stuff

2005-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Lots of excitement today. We are taking girl for a visit to see if she fits in our family. K and S aren't too happy about it. They like the status quo. But, this girl, from all accounts, is academic, easy going and gay, all of which pull our (Holly's and my) heart strings. Holly bribed K to be neutral. S is usually pretty nice to new kids.

Holly has begun writing a book for real. We've talked about ever since we met. She has several ideas bouncing around her head, but she picked one and wrote an outline and prologue. I'm excited.

Today is the last working day of the month and we are super busy at work. All of the staff we support are trying to get everything done and the system, as usual is getting clogged and making it much more difficult.

Holly just called. S had dental work done today. She is at summer band right now, and the numbing wore off and she doesn't handle pain well. Holly called to say that she is freaking out and the band directors are going to let her lay down. That means I'll have to go find her and wake her up. Its hard to tell with her - I've seen her pick live skin off and bleed and keep picking, then howl at the top of her lungs when she falls and gets a tiny abrasion. Hopefully, she will have worked herself down by the time I get there.

2005-07-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking to E, our oldest, who occasionally flies back to the coop to get groceries or wash clothes, or for short moments of peace and sanity. She talked about the lack of maturity of the people she hangs out with, her friends and birth family. About how they get themselves in trouble and even ruin their lives over things that shouldn't bother anyone above high school age. We agreed that she wasn't going to get anywhere if she stayed in that groove.

She and her gf still fight over stupid things. E can talk the talk, but she tends to fall into old behaviors around old friends. I explained that either she can trust gf to be faithful and that the flirting gf does is innocent fun, or she can live with the fact that gf is not faithful, or she can leave her. Fighting about it causes drama that doesn't get anyone anywhere, and they aren't anyplace to brag about anyway. She agreed, and said that gf gets more angry sometimes because she won't argue. E is so freaking smart. If she could only grow beyond her past. She can't because there are so many things in her past that she loves. Unfortunately, she keeps trying to bring them up with her, but she isn't strong enough, emotionally or financially, to handle the burden. She's only 18. She should be going to school and working and have her whole future ahead of her. Instead, she's trying to figure out how to support her gf and gf's 18 mo son, and her bio mom wants to quit HER job and come here and try to make it. E doesn't even have an apartment.

Holly and I've decided to be patient and try to be examples. We've had to decline help a couple of times because of financial issues. E doesn't blame us. She knows we do what we can. We've already done more for her than all of those from "home."

once again

2005-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

My 18 year old, E, is back, actively in our lives. She came back into town right before we went on the cruise, too late to be included. She is thin but looks good. She and her girlfriend, whom we don't care for much, ate all of our food while we were gone, which we told them they could do. They went back to their hometown and got the gf's 20 mo baby. He's sweet, but way behind. E has noticed how far he is behind our twins even through he's five months older and has been working his language skills as best she can.

They can't stay with us - gf has a history that could precludes her from spending much time in our house. They say they are clean, and we believe them, but we won't take a chance that could get our other kids taken from us. They both need jobs. We (mostly Holly) have done just about everything we can to help them out - bought groceries, gas money, helped them find places that are hiring and the doctor's office. They've turned in a couple of applications. They just come from such a different place than we do. They've dug themselves such a hole in their hometown that they can't go back. We've really pushed that we can't support them, they need to work. Once they both have jobs, they'll be able to get their own apartment. But they've been in town a month and have only done some odd jobs.

My seventeen yo started her first job yesterday. She whined to Holly all morning today about how her feet hurt and she was tired and going to quit. Thank goodness she told Holly and not me. Holly understands that she is scared and anxious. I probably would have gone off on her. My first job was in a grocery store deli and Holly's was at an unairconditioned hamburger stand. That is what first jobs are like. You are on your feet for hours at a time and you do tedious demeaning work. She wants to go to culinary school. I guess she doesn't realize that chefs/bakers/cooks don't sit down. They are always on their feet. Like I said, lucky it wasn't me talking to her...

Sophia, my twin daughter (15 mo), just talked to me on the phone. She said Hi and babbled and gave the phone a kiss. (openmouthed, couldn't hear it, had to take Holly's word for it) As far as I know, I'm the first person she's ever spoken to on the phone!! Way to make my morning. :-)

finally, a post

2005-07-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, but I finally found a piece of time to post. The cruise was wonderful. In case you haven't visited Holly's blog, we got to meet Rosie. The picture is on my symetry blog She brought us up on stage to congratulate us for winning the cruise. She talked to Holly, then to Kaia, who won her heart by admitting that her birth family had kicked her out because she was gay. Actually, as we found out, this kicked quite a few people on the ship in the gut. Rosie was struck enough to give us cruises for life with r family. That blew us away. For the rest of the trip, people would stop us in hallways and on elevators and congratulate and tell us how moved they were by our family. Holly and I were concerned that there might be jealousy, but we didn't run in to any.

Most of our friends do foster care, so we don't see ourselves as all that special. As a matter of fact, we generally play down the good deed thing. Many of the families on the cruise had kids from foster care and they'd probably worked as hard as we have, but even they seemed happy for us.

It was so great to be able to relax and not worry about the mess the babies made or what to eat or anything. The entertainment was better than great - we saw Cyndi Lauper from the third row. Rosie brought a dozen or so Broadway stars to do their thing. Esera Tuolo moved us all to tears, with his beautiful voice, story and family. And, the icing on the cake was a surprise mini concert on the last night by Melissa Etheridge. She is still recovering from chemo, her hair was quite short, but she rocked. I've seen her a couple of times before, and this performance had more passion than ever.

The love on that ship was tangible. I think that people feel Rosie's generosity and extend it. I would definitely recommend the r family cruise to everyone, gay or straight.

new stuff

2005-07-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

The cruise has been going well - for cool up to date news, see Holly's Blog. Webtime onboard costs a fortune - I'll elaborate when I get home...

getting ready to leave

2005-07-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready to fly away. My grandmother's 100th birthday party is tomorrow in Minnesota and I fly in a couple of hours. I fly to NYC Sunday to meet Holly and the kids before we get on the boat. I'm apprehensive - don't really like flying alone, don't know that side of my family all that well. They are stoic German bred farmers and I'm a wildly emotional city kid. Can't wait to see my grandma, though. I only wish that Holly and the kids were going with me. They aren't for several reasons - money for the flight, I'm not out to that part of my family and not quite sure how my multiracial family would go over. Sounds really lame that those things bother me, but I see them so seldom it was always easy to avoid racial issues and homosexuality.

Holly is stuck with all the kids for two days. I don't know how she is going to do it. We can only hope that the teens step up to the challenge. They are capable of it, but flying and boats and new experiencs sometimes get them worked up, too.

Wish us Luck!!

A glimmer of hope

2005-07-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

E came home last night. After dealing with drugs, bugs, wrecks, illness, crime, abuse, hunger, the loss of almost all of the stuff she left with, and lots of HIGH DRAMA almost constantly for eight months, she decided maybe she it would be easier to get her s*** together with someone to at least partially take care of her. Don't know how long it will last - she's already bristling at the rules we set. These aren't ridiculous rules, in my mind. 1) no drugs/tobacco in the house 2) her girlfriend, who is staying with a friend not too far away, can't come to the house until she's been law abiding and non-abusive for awhile. 3) E has to make an effort to get and keep a job.

Of course, it's only #2 that she has problems with. She doesn't seem to understand that the powers that be could actually take our other kids away if it's found out that the gf is spending a lot of time around our kids. Plus, she managed to destroy most of E's belongings in various fits of rage over the past months, and our kids certainly don't need to see that kind of behavior. Additionally, she's hiding from some criminal types that she turned in to the police. E knew enough not to bring her here - she's staying with one of E's friends. They both knew they need a little space.

We are full of help. Holly already has E at the doctor, and they are making a run of retail establishments and restaurants that are hiring. E has the number of the local gay/lesbian counseling center since they both need anger management and couple therapy. We want to be helpful, and hopefully, we'll pull back before she gets overloaded with us. She is such an amazing kid - bright, beautiful, smart. If she would put her mind to it for 6-12 months, she could get on her feet and rise above so many of her problems. Unfortunately, she doesn't have much patience.

Well, we'll hope and pray.

turning their backs

2005-07-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of months, the twins have not done very much staring into my eyes like they did when they were younger. Kind of bothered me. Do they not like me anymore? Am I boring? It dawned on me yesterday, though, that I am kind of boring to them. They love me and want to be with me, but once they are with me, they want to see the rest of the world. Once he gets close enough, Ben will even turn around and back into me to sit on my lap or be picked up facing away. It felt good to realize that I am one of their safe people. They trust me to take care of them while they observe the big world.

The teens probably do it too, but in less obvious ways. I'm going to think about that for awhile, maybe I'll have more to add on their behaviour later.

moments

2005-06-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

I've had some great times with the twins the past couple of days. They were kind of grumpy until the last day or two. I'm not sure if it comes from being an adoptive parent, but I still get a thrill when they squeal when I get home from work. Yesterday, a social worker was there when I got home - not a big deal, just the regular quarterly review(which went well.) I went upstairs and both babies stopped playing, squealed, ran over and grabbed my legs. The next half hour, while the social worker was there, they would play, then run over to me to be held, squirm down, play, run back for a hug, play, check out the social worker, etc. Nothing makes me feel more special than when my kids (including the big ones) show me trust, faith and affection.
my kids' recent milestones:
Ben, 14 mo son, has been able to climb up the little climbing wall on their tiny playscape for awhile, but he went down the slide by himself yesterday! Now, he only has to get comfortable sitting down after he climbs up...
Sophia, 14 mo daughter, had two milestones. First, she and I were watching Sesame Street and I mentioned that Ernie had a duck. She looked at me with comprehension, picked up her stuffed duck and brought it to me. Second, she stole her brother's bottle, I told her 'uh oh' and she gave it back to him.
S, 14 year old, babysat (with supervision) yesterday and did a great job. She got a bonus payment from the kids' parents.
Kaia, 17 year old, started her first job!

A link to K

2005-06-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

I've added a link to my daughter's blog. It is worth reading - she is quite a writer and has a lot to say. I'm very proud of her for actually publishing her thoughts out where anyone can see them. She doesn't use her birth name, of course, but she always been so anxious about being in the spotlight. My hope is that she finds this freeing and empowering.

Her dream has been to be an author, and she's always leaned towards fiction. Part of the power of the written word is the bit of the author's soul that comes with it, which she can feel now that she is publishing something. Writing fiction can turn from an escape to an empowering experience.

this will (hopefully) frighten you...

2005-06-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

My seventeen year old, K, came from a fundamentalist Christian background. I am thankful that, as difficult as it is to be removed from your birthfamily and put in state care, her family never got this far.

Setting Him Straight?

For at least two weeks in June, Zach, a 16-year-old gay teen from Bartlett, Tennessee, was a hostage held against his will.
He wasn't kidnapped by a child molester or abducted by international terrorists, though what he has been through, in his own words, has been "torture." Indeed, Zach's captivity has been completely legal, if horrific. He's been interred by the authority of his parents. And his captors have been a group with the ironic name, "Love In Action."
"Love In Action" is one of the so-called "ex-gay" ministries. It runs what it calls a "youth program," named Refuge, which is essentially a "camp" to allegedly "de-gay" homosexual teens.
According to Zach's blog, his parents decided to send him to Refuge against his will after he came out to them as being gay. On May 29, Zach wrote on his blog that his parents sat him down and informed him he was going to a "fundamentalist Christian program for gays."
"They tell me there is something wrong with me, and they 'raised me wrong,'" Zach wrote. "I'm a big screw up to them, who isn't on the path God wants me to be on. So I am sitting here in tears."
According to other blog entries, Zach's parents took away his cell phone and car keys, apparently in an effort to keep what they perceived as bad "outside influences" away from him. His parents also isolated him from his friends - he wrote on June 3, his last blog entry, that he hadn't seen any of his friends for more than a week. He was housebound, he said. And he was only able to access the computer to write his blog, he wrote, after his parents were asleep. Zach's state of mind, even before he was forced to go to Refuge, was clearly fragile, as reflected in his sad and poignant blog entries. "My mother has said the worst things to me for three days straight," he wrote at 11:33 on June 3, the last time a blog entry was made. "I went numb. That's the only way I can get through this... I can't take this... no one can. This kind of thing tears you apart emotionally." And then Zach writes what many of us fear most, the worst possible results of this kind of pressure: "I'm not a suicidal person," he begins, and your heart sinks as he broaches the subject. "But I can't help it... all I can think about is killing my mother and myself. It's so horrible. This is what it's doing to me... I have this horrible feeling all of the time... I wish this on no person."
But studies have shown that gay teens are up to three times more likely than their heterosexual peers to attempt suicide, because of the anti-gay pressures they face from home, school and society. It's estimated that one-third of completed suicides are done by gay or lesbian teens.
Though he has not posted any blog entries since June 3, friends and supporters have written on his blog site, saying that after the initial two-week period at Refuge, Zach's parents have decided to keep him there an additional six weeks. Zach was able to post an exhaustive list of rules and regulations from Refuge that he had found e-mailed to his parents. The rules include a strict prohibition on "hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is allowed." Males at the camp are not allowed to have facial hair of any kind, and must maintain "clean, business-like haircuts." Females are instructed to "shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly," and may not have hair that is "colored, highlighted or streaked." T-shirts without sleeves are forbidden for men, even as undergarments. So are thongs for women. The only jewelry a man may have is a wedding ring and a watch. Women are allowed that, plus a simple pair of earrings (one per ear.) Absolutely no one may wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein clothes or accessories. No cologne or perfume, either.
Reading through the exhaustive list of do's and don'ts for Refuge, you learn that every member there is put into what can only be likened to emotional solitary confinement for the first two or three days, where they may not communicate, verbally or otherwise, with anyone, even parents, except with special permission.
They can't have a cell phone or watch TV or see movies, other than the one shown weekly at the camp. They are not even allowed to read, unless it is the Bible or pre-approved material from the camp. No secular music. Bach and Beethoven are expressly mentioned as not being religious music, and thus forbidden. They are not allowed to keep in touch or have contact with previous friends. They are expressly prohibited from displaying "campy" behavior or "gay/lesbian behavior or talk." They and their belongings are subject to search. They may not keep a journal, other than that required for their "therapy." They are photographed for "sobering re-evaluation." And they are encouraged to tattle on each other if they break the rules. It seems clear that Refuge engages in behavior modification as part of its "therapy" to "cure" gays and allegedly make them straight. There is absolutely no scientific evidence that this kind of abusive behavior makes any kind of permanent, healthy change in its victims. All of the major, credible mental health organizations, such as the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association have long ago distanced themselves from this kind of "therapy." Furthermore, these mental health organizations also know that being gay or lesbian is not a mental disorder, and readily say so. The notion that you can alter a kid's sexual orientation by dressing him in certain clothes and forcing him to read the Bible and act in particular ways is not only ludicrous, but psychologically destructive.
Even 16-year-old Zach understands that. In one blog entry, he writes: "How could you support a program like this?" he asks of the Refuge camp. "Even if I do come out straight, I'll be so mentally unstable and depressed it wont matter. I'll be back in therapy again. This is not good."

up and coming.

2005-06-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

The cruise is a big deal. K is already packed. I think we have all we need, just have to sort and do laundry and pack. Lot's of choices, should Holly and I try to marry in one of the stops where it is legal? It would involve lots of planning because we won't have time for waiting periods. The kids would love it, but we could also use that time in port to shop and do historical things and just have fun. What show should we see in NYC? and on and on...
Holly and I have considered being a marriage testcase here in Texas, but kids' adoptions aren't final and we don't want to mess those up. It is tempting, though. Can you imagine what a big deal it would be for a state a big as Texas to let us marry?

I was sick yesterday and am not a hundred percent yet. My mind is wandering. I guess I'll blog more later when I feel better.

the difference

2005-06-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

F came back Saturday and is leaving for a group home this afternoon. I feel for that kid, but we just didn't have the time or the energy to deal with her. She a manipulator and would have kept S in trouble. Hopefully, she will at least begin to work on some of her issues at the group home. They are good people. F probably doesn't realize that the adults she works with there know what they are doing, and they get full reports from us and the staff we work with. If she is lucky, they won't put up with BS and will make her work on her stuff. She will also have less contact with her bio family and what she has will be more structured.

Some think it is already too late for her. She's almost fifteen and that only leaves three years to undo all of that emotional damage. It is possible - K has done tons of work and seems to be in a good place with only 2 1/2 years away from her biofamily. She isn't close to being done, but she understands that.

This isn't a very good post, I know. I don't say much and am kind of rambling. My excuse = it's Mondy morning.

peace

we won!!!

2005-06-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

My wonderful, brilliant partner, Holly, wrote an essay for HRC's exceptional family competition. It explained why we are exceptional in 500 words. You can see it on her blog, 0to5 , and WE WON!!. We get to go on a cruise with R Family cruises. I must say that it was difficult for her to write. She is uncomfortable, as many of us are, patting herself on the back. I am so glad that she decided to enter!

when mothers let you down

2005-06-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

I think that everyone wants to impress their mother - to have her approval. I know I did when my mom was still alive, and I still temper my decisions with her in mind.

My teens want to impress their bio moms. They want their bio mothers to love them and approve of them, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, these women usually aren't very capable or respectable, and they are usually less mature and responsible than their daughters.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, my seventeen year old has decided to try to rebuild a relationship with her bio family. She knows that she will not be able to deal with all the anger roiled up inside her until she deals with her family. Bless her heart, she's alraedy worked past so much. Anyway, her mother missed K's court date. Her mother still has parental rights and has always come to court to catch up and see K. This kind of kicked K in the gut, but she steeled her spine and called her mom. They set up a time so K could see her mom and sisters. This was last night. We were going to meet at a local restaurant. We got there, had a seat and none of them were there yet. K checked her messages and found one from her 15 yo sister apologizing that they couldn't come because their mom had some mystery illness. The woman couldn't even call herself.

She probably has a lot of guilt - she let K get abused as a young child, then abandoned her to state care when K started fighting back against her stepfather. K had to parent her bio mom for years because she was addicted to prescription drugs. It just bites that K is ready to forgive and her mother still can't face it. It makes us sad and angry. Holly suggested to K that she call her younger sisters and invite them to a movie so she can at least see them, and we won't have to depend on the mother's health...

Rough road

2005-06-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

We spent the weekend at my in-laws. They have a beautiful house on a lake with jet ski, ski boat, fishing equipment, etc. They both go out of their way to make our kids' experience grand every time we come.
We took the short term fourteen year old girl, F, with us. We usually don't think twice about it because her parents are very cool with the people we bring, and these kids often have never had these kinds of experiences. Turned out to be a mistake.

My fourteen year old, S., is difficult, but adores her grandparents and being at the lake. F doesn't have these kinds of restraints of affection. She doesn't usually do the actions that get them in trouble, she just goads S into it so she can turn on her and tattle, or find some way to become the victim. We haven't called her on it very often. S should know better and is old enough to have a mind of her own, so we hold her responsible for her actions.

anyhow, the big events this weekend:
1) the girls were snippy and tired and S became furious when I asked her to sit up straight and chew with her mouth shut. She yelled back, F defended her and went on about how we pick on S too much. Finally, they got up and sat at a different table. Everyone finished their dinners and went back inside except Holly's mom, me and the girls. The girls had their heads huddled together snickering. I told them a little rhyme my mother'd taught me when I was little about secrets and lies keeping one from Heaven. F looked up and sternly insisted that I couldn't say she wasn't going to heaven. I laughed - it was a joke, I said. Holly's mom got up and laughed and went inside. F, with S's help, couldn't seem to stop themselves from getting angry and going on and on about who was I to say who was going to heaven when, as F said, I was with a woman and the bible says woman should not be together like male/female. I reiterated my apology about hurting her feelings, or whatever I hurt, but, like an idiot, I mentioned that the bible never once even alludes to women together, only men. By this time they were yelling (which carries over the whole lake - the water effect or something) and they couldn't listen. Holly came out and got control of the situation. The kids went off on their own pretending like they were asleep. I really grieved. I know better than to lose my temper like that. Holly and her mom reminded me that I was tired, too, and everyone loses it. S. Came back later with a sincere apology.
2) Holly's mom took the girls tubing the next day. This is hard work for her to drive the boat because of an illness she has, but she wants the kids to have these wonderful experiences. As they finished and came back to the house, the girls wanted to get in the hot tub. She said no - F had a bleeding scrape on her knee and they don't use chlorine in the tub. Blood in the tub could get the whole thing infected with something. The girls took offense at this, were heard calling Hollys mom the b word and behaving in a really offensive, disrespectful manner. They both denied it, but others had heard.
3) found out today that Holly's dad had seen the girls in the jacuzzi after they'd been told not to get in. He didn't know about the blood. Holly's mom has to drain the thing and clean it out by hand today, which causes her great pain. The girls denied they did it, then insisted they 'slipped in.' Lots of tears and grounding and lack of electronics and bicycles at my house right now. They still won't take responsibility.

I want F gone. S took the actions, but she is so much easier to be with when not with F. I hate feeling like this. We've never requested a kid leave us. F will be going to church camp for the rest of the week. Holly thinks we can struggle through next week so she can have her bday party with us instead of the group home she is going to. I don't want to. I'm not that nice. I don't want to give her a party or anything else.

Please tell me I'll feel better about this soon. I don't want to lose my temper again.

So proud

2005-05-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, my kids surprise me. My fourteen year old has percussion band camp this week. My partner and I are scared for her - she isn't very good, and this could be one of a few chances for her to make a positive impression in ninth grade. She was not scared. She wasn't even apprehensive. I had to drop her off an hour early and she was fine with that. She was down right pleasant on the drive to drop her off. I love that kid!!!

My seventeen year old has initiated contact with her birth family. She's decided it is time to work through the anger and pain, and started it all on her own. She realized that she's never going to be really happy and comfortable until she has some sort of relationship with her mother. If her mother can't deal with it, she insists she'll be okay. She just wants to put the effort forth. Is that strength or what??

I am a very proud parent right now.

band

2005-05-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

My fourteen year old is going to summer band prep today. It is very scary for us. Band was my saviour in high school. I was socially retarded and in band you could be geeky and still have friends. S gets so defensive and such a victim she makes me at her age look like the prom queen. She works so hard at it, and it's getting better, but is she ready for this kind of bombardment?

Holly got her a transfer to a better school than our feeder, so there won't be many, if any, kids from her middle school. This might be her best chance for a clean start for the next four years. The other really sucky thing is that she lacks almost all of the skills to succeed in marching band, being a rather less than mediocre musician and not very coordinated. I just hope they can find a place for her. She may not make the marching band - they are so competitive in this area. But, maybe she could be one of the kids that stands on the sidelines and carries the podium or something. I did that my freshman year, being a very weak horn player at the time, and I still felt like I was part of the big group. I still made friends.

Holly and I stressed to her that this was a fresh start and she needed to not complain or be difficult. Well, I guess we'll see when she gets thru at noon.

politics

2005-05-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

I never used to call myself a democrat. I wanted to keep it clear that I would vote for the candidate or issue that was the best, not along any party lines. I guess I still would, but now I can rest assured that the republican candidate or issue is way too extreme for me.

Why can't politicians do what is right?

I read a book, can't remember the name, but I think it was written by Arthur C. Clark where the president of the US was chosen at random by a computer from a list of qualified people. The very act of campaigning or acting like you wanted that much power was enough to disqualify you, because that would mean you were a crazy egomaniac. The person chosen couldn't refuse the position, and only served one term. That just makes so much sense!! Is that why we can't do it? I'll try to find the name of the book.

I've tried to talk my partner, Holly into running for office - the school board or something. She's got a simple name and she's very smart, well spoken, and she doesn't put up with much BS. She was a teacher for 8 years and a social worker for 8 years. She won't do it, insisting that people won't vote for a lesbian and she doesn't want people digging around for the skeletons she might have. That is one of the other horrid issues in politics - you better hide your past, which is a heck of a lot easier if you have tons of money, which we don't. Anyhow, she'd make an excellent member of the school board. She would help get rid of all the stuff that doesn't work, maybe try to make jobs in education reasonable. She's already proven to be an excellent teacher and an excellent parent. That should override any skeletons. If you want to see how well she writes, click on the myHolly link to the right.

peace.

Helen

2005-05-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

Rosie's blog today is about Helen Thomas. That woman is something else. She is brilliant and forward and has been getting the job done for 50 years. Rosie suggested a musical about her. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I'd go see it, even all the way to New York. I wonder how Ro really feels. She probably has the money and clout to get it made and it's a great idea. Especially in NYC, which is pretty liberal. She could hit up all the liberal Hollywood types. I'd even give a few bucks... :-)

court court and more court

2005-05-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to court with my partner and kids. Foster kids have their cases reviewed by a family court judge every six months, and somehow all four of the kids we have living at home were scheduled on the same day. CPS probably did it on purpose so that we only had to go once, but it sure made for a long day. I don't often go, but Holly would have been seriously miserable trying to deal with two babies and two grumpy teens at the same time, all day.

The judge was great. He played with the twins and gave us advice about their adoption. He let my seventeen year old change her name, and was so impressed by the letter she wrote to request the name change that he asked to keep it for his records. He laughed with us when we showed up for the third time for S's afternoon session. CASA has been putting pressure on us to adopt her. We will adopt her, but are concerned that, as she continues through adolescence, she will at times revert back to some of the tantrums and aggressive behavior she displayed when she first came to us. We handled it ourselves in the past, but now she is taller and weighs more and we want to be able to send her to our agency for a 'tuneup' if it comes to that. If she gets as difficult as she has been, because of her size, we would probably have to call the police if we can't send her to SH. Holly explained this to the judge and he said there was no hurry. S is in a safe environment and thriving and he'd didn't want us to adopt until we were sure we could handle what situations came up. He basically shut the CASA down. Can't argue with the judge.

The only really bad thing was that K's mother didn't show up. She was devastated about that. The other three's parental rights have been severed, so we are the only family they have. K wants to maintain a relationship with her mom. She called her mom afterward and the mother said she hadn't been notified. We knew that was a lie because the state sends the notifications by certified mail and the caseworker had the receipt. We didn't push that with k, though. We let her setup a lunch date with her mom for next month. I wonder if her mom will show up. I wonder if K will tell her that she is planning to let us adopt her after she turns 18.

2005-05-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

Me and Martha the Beluga

a great day

2005-05-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

Saturday we went to SeaWorld. I really love that place. We have season passes, so we can relax and see a couple of shows and do a couple of rides each time we go. We discovered a foam pit for the babies to play in that we hadn't noticed before. Ben and Sophia were in heaven. They marched around and pushed the foam blocks around and had a great time. They also ran around a kids' area that had water toys and fountains. Ben loved it, Sophia was not so sure. The teenagers were excited because there were no lines for the rollercoasters. Holly and I spent an hour in the water with the beluga whales. You can see pictures if you follow the myHolly link on the right.

I wish that all theme park visits could work like this one. Everyone was thoroughly warn out, yet happy. Next time, we'll go to the waterpark and see the Sea Lion show.

How to deal with grief...

2005-05-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

My kids go through a lot of grief - completely understandable since, for one reason or another, they can't go back to their birth families. Even though our household is more loving, pleasant and nurturing than where they came from, they all have the urge to go back. They miss their birth families even if the only love they received from them was laden with abuse and neglect. So, Holly and I are used to dealing with grief.

My seventeen year old has wallowed into a different kind of grief, though. She has considerable social anxiety disorder and is most comfortable dealing with people through the filter of online chatrooms. But, last year, to our joy, she made a friend. This friend of hers, I'll call her Kim, is just as sarcastic and dark natured as my daughter. They wrote stories together and commiserated about their parents together. They were inseparable at school.

Kim has been very depressed, and for unknown reasons, her parents are convinced that she needs to just 'get over it' and won't get her professional help, even though she has asked for it. They also don't approve of my daughter because Kim's grades have gone down since they've been friends. (I have a feeling that their own precarious living conditions and constant pressure have just as much to do with it as my daughter.) Her mother doesn't like the fact that Holly and I are lesbians. We also have a big house where Kim gets her own bed when she spends the night, which is more than they can give her.

Even though we cautioned her against it several times, our daughter razzes Kim's parents to Kim all the time. We explained that people don't others to slam their home situation, even if it's true. Anyhow, Kim has decided that they need space and different friends. Kim is hanging around with the potheads now. I imagine they are much less judgmental than my daughter.

My kid doesn't know what to do. She is so uncomfortable opening herself up to new people that she won't try. She is grieving with full on tears. Holly and I explained to her that it will take time to work through. It still hurts, though. It hurts her to go through and us to watch.

But, it's all part of parenting, right?

bday for real

2005-05-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. I am a little bummed, because nobody, except Holly, really even remembered. The kids only said anything after they were reminded. Of course there is so much else going on - Holly is sick, so I'm at home with the babies, the school year is ending so the teens have everything else on their minds, and we weren't planning to celebrate until Saturday, which of course is the wonderful swimming with whales. My grandmother called. That is special. She'll be 100 next month, so for her to remember means a lot. My old Tai chi teacher sent me an ecard. But, geez, this is 40 - a pretty big milestone. Enough feeling sorry for myself.

I got to spend two days in a row practically by myself with the twins. It was wonderful! Even though they are a bit grouchy, it was so much fun. I miss them while I'm at work. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Neither of us are sure that Holly can handle them by herself, but I can't miss more work without a dr note and she is determined that she isn't bad enough off to go. A friend of ours might come over for awhile. It'll work out somehow. She'd better be healthy enough to swim with whales on Saturday!!!

could we love them more?

2005-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

I just read Rosie's blog talking about the birth of their youngest. How amazing is childbirth! Part of me feels badly, because we didn't birth any of our kids. Would we feel closer to them? Could we love them more? I can't really imagine loving them more, but then, how do you measure love?

Holly and I get tons of praise because we chose kids that were "difficult to place" to foster. It means more to me when my kids call me mom and are comfortable and happy. They weren't always. I have it in my heart to love kids, and loved my teens from the day I met them. But getting our family to become one in the true sense of the word took so much work. Talking and getting to know each other. Dealing with anxiety and abuse and neglect. Making space in our lives for kids who seemed to need all we had and more. And, always, the fear. They feared that we would send them back, that we would start behaving as their abusers had, or that we wouldn't love them. We feared that we weren't parenting right, that we missed things and didn't follow the rules, that we lost our tempers too often and that we were doing everything wrong.

It really took two years to form the ironclad bonds. I think that all of that work probably makes up for some of the pregnancy and labor, partly because the kids had to work just as hard, and they remember it.

my bday

2005-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

My birthday is on May 10th. One week away. This will be one of those big deal birthdays - 40 - and Holly thought I should do something big. We skipped the annual birthday party this year in favor of giving the twins one. So, Holly and I are going to swim with the whales at Sea World. This is going to be Holly's birthday present, too, even though hers is in August and she will only be 38. It is also going to be our Mother's Day present to each other. I don't think I've ever been this excited about a present before. Well, when Holly gave me my ring three Christmas' ago... but that was different.

So, in eleven days, Holly and I get to spend time in a tank of freezing sea water with a Beluga Whale. We might get to touch him/her, scratch his/her tongue or even feed them. That would all be icing on the cake. I am thrilled just to be that close to one.

I know that I should probably be against any animals in captivity. I have a friend who won't visit zoos or SeaWorld because of that. I'm not, though. I think that SeaWorld and the good zoos teach people to love and have a concern for animals. It's harder to condone destroying the habitat of an animal that you've been 10 feet from and seen in a reasonable facsimile of their natural habitat in a zoo.

I'm so excited!!!

big day

2005-05-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

Saturday was my twins' first birthday. We had a party. We'd intended for it to be small, they are only one, after all. But, as these things will, it got bigger and bigger. Dozens of family and friends showed up, with their kids of all ages. It was chaotic, but everyone had fun. More fun than the twins, who fell asleep as folks started to arrive and woke to a houseful of people. They did not understand it. They played the game, of course, showing all how well they could walk and their few teeth, playing with the wrapping paper and putting everything into their mouths.

My sister-in-law told me that first birthday parties were really an affirmation for the parents from their friends and family that they are parenting well and doing a good thing. The babies don't understand the party and don't need more toys. Now, after the party, I am sure she is right. I feel affirmed.

to cuff, or not to cuff

2005-04-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

I just watched part of the video of the little girl in Florida who got cuffed by the police.

I admit that she was being horribly difficult, and that it is a parent's job to raise their kids in a way that they don't behave that way. But, the school approached the situation all wrong. They gave the child all sorts of attention while she was misbehaving, then, when she finally sat down, the police officer put handcuffs on her. They should have had a time out room and the teachers should be trained to use positive reinforcement, rather than negative.

A great site to learn about a great technique is www.loveandlogic.com . My partner and I have used this method with our foster kids, who are older and more set in their ways than that little five year old, but just as disturbed, with great success.

If I were the boss of everything, I would insist that all teachers and school administrators were thoroughly trained in Love and Logic. Hell, if I were the boss of everything, I'd make all parents get trained in it before they were ever allowed to have children.

how hypocritical

2005-04-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

The private agency through which we foster just called my partner up and asked her to take one of the kids (but not me) to some bigwig fundraising dinner tonight. The agency is going to be the recipient of a rather large amount of money and they wanted a foster parent to be there to get interviewed. The clincher is that they want to say she's a single parent, if she's asked, and not get into the whole gay foster parent thing that consumes us right now.

How is she supposed to do that? She gave half a dozen interviews last week and her face was on three different newscasts. She asked me, "What if it's the same reporter? What if I don't mention it but they pull footage from last week?" She is not the type to lie or fudge around those issues. She does feel pressure through our devotion to this nonprofit agency. They've helped us and been more supportive than we ever could have imagined.

She said she'd go, but reminded them that she wouldn't have to tell them for them to know she's gay. She said she'd be the last resort - if they couldn't get anyone else. I don't know. Kind of makes me mad that they'd even ask us to do something like that. But, they are really good people. I understand that they want the event to be about the work they do and not get riled up in the politics of gay fostering. The timing really sucks. A month ago, or probably two months from now, it wouldn't be so much of an issue.

high school ?

2005-04-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

My fourteen year old is growing up. It is unexpected because she's fought so hard to stay eight for so long... She will now use surprisingly adult logic on occasion. I'm very proud of her, but it doesn't make her that much easier to live with. I still want her to stand up straight and keep her elbows off the table and chew with her mouth shut. In four months, she will be in high school. Can she possibly be ready by then? We've put so much pressure on her the past six months. Tantrums don't go over well in high school. The kids will remember and treat you like a pariah for the rest of your high school career. Doing better, or trying to do better isn't enough, she has to be able to control her behavior enough to not scare off all the other kids. She is a good kid with a good heart, but these survival behaviors she clings to are now self defeating. Holly is much better at dealing with her now than me. Holly says I push her too hard. It doesn't feel too hard to me. I had many depressing and difficult moments in high school because I didn't get the social cues, and I fit in like a homecoming queen next to her. I just have to let her be who she will. Her will to survive is made of kevlar. Most kids who've been through what she had before we got her have already given up. She'd gone further already than any of the professionals thought she would. I just have to be patient.

The ball is rolling

2005-04-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

I spent last night at LGRL (www.lgrl.org) calling people on their volunteer list, requesting them to call their State Senators and Representatives about the SB6 thing. The sad thing is that we are all in Sen. Gonzalo Barrientos district, who already came out strongly against the amendment, and most of the Reps in this area are supportive as well. They are still going to get swamped with calls.

Holly is going to the noon protest at the Capital. I can't get off work, but our (straight) next door neighbor is going and she'll help with the twins. Holly is a little nervous. She did the whole gay activist thing in college, but we've both sort of changed gears and settled down into parenthood in suburbia. I guess this proves that you can never let your guard down.

Both of us, if we can get a babysitter, are going to be on the radio tonight. Holly will go alone if we can't get a sitter.

Last night, Holly and I talked about how great it feels to have so many people come to our defense - gay and straight, parents and not, even famous, like Rosie. The warm feeling helps balance out the cold fear. But, we will survive this. We will win. We have to, because we aren't going to lose our kids.

If you can help...

2005-04-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

What: Save Texas Families Rally and Protest

When: Friday, April 22nd –

12:00 pm Gather and make posters,
12:30 pm Rally begins,
2:30 pm Rally ends.

Where: In front of the Capitol Gates, 11th and Congress Ave.

Why: StandOut has organized this Protest and Rally in reaction to SB 6 which seeks to reform the Texas Child Protective Services Agency. Rep. RobertTalton's amendment to this bill would do, among other things:

Prevent Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual people from fostering children in the state of Texas
Take the foster children away from all 2,000 Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual people already fostering children
Remove these children from loving, stable families and place them back into the already overburdened Foster Care system
Emotionally destroy these Texas families
Allows the new CPS Agency to conduct "investigations" into suspect fosterparents not already officially identified as Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual
Will cost the state of Texas an additional $8 million dollars every yearWe will not tolerate this kind of discrimination.

We will stand together.We will fight. We will make ourselves heard.

Holly and the babies will be there.

or call your Texas Representative and Senator and demand that they help!

Now they want the kids...

2005-04-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

What the HELL!!
The friggin' Texas House of Reps has passed a bill with an amendment that would take my kids away! What is it with these freaking republicans! My family is sitting here in our own house, paying taxes and not hurting anyone, but we are so offensive we have to disband!

My partner and I took adolescent girls with emotional problems severe enough to warrant them not adoptable, and after three years of blood, sweat and tears, we have a FAMILY. Our teens are happier and more balanced then they have EVER been. The seventeen year old will probably age out before this becomes a problem, but the fourteen year old is right in the middle. After all of the abuse she suffered from her (heterosexual) birth family, and then two failed adoption attempts, her psychiatrist felt that she would never have healthy attachments with anyone. But we did it - it was like pouring acid on her to get her to accept the fact that we wouldn't give her up - and now she is ours. We are hers. If they take her away she won't survive emotionally. We are trying to get the adoption for her going, but her level of care is still high and her case worker wants us to wait another year.

Just yesterday the foster agency was pressuring us to take another girl. Now the Leg. wants to take them all away. Is there a God?

no voice

2005-04-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ever tried to answer a phone with no voice?
I've lost my voice, and I do tech support over the phone. I can't go home for another hour. I just sit here hoping no one will call.

My Holly called and was happier and calmer. The twins are being cute. Our daughter points at dogs and calls them 'dog' consistently.

The twins are our joy and our sorrow at the same time. Our older kids are ours, and will be forever, but the twins can be taken away still. If we don't live up to the social worker's demands, or if a member of their birth family pops up and wants them - they might have to go. It won't happen, we tell ourselves. The social workers like us and help us and the family was given a chance and nobody wanted the babies. The ball is rolling - it's gonna happen, unless it doesn't. They can't take them away - we are totally bonded with them, and they with us - unless they do take them away.

The law is on our side, for now. The legislators don't like us, much, here in Texas. Babies should have a mother and a father, not two mothers!! Even preemie African American drug babies like ours?? We were good enough when they were born and tiny and their futures were unknown/unsure... but now they are a year and strong and perfect. Are we still good enough? We are, and the social workers and case workers and therapists and judges know it. But do the legislators? The governor?

We want to fight, to be activists, but don't dare call attention to ourselves until the adoption is final. We have to leave that to our friends.

journey

2005-04-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

I just read Rosie's latest blog, which is a reprint of one from three years ago. Just a big reminder that life is a journey, not a goal. The joy of life is in the little things - picking kids up from school and trips to the park - not winning the lottery or having a wonderful uber job at the top of the food chain.

Friday afternoon

2005-04-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

I want to go home now. I'm at work and tired of working, being a Friday afternoon. Only 45 minutes left. I want to play with my kids. I want big hugs and no computer screens all weekend.

Life is what we make it, however cliche. I made a decision after college that I didn't want to work as hard as it would take to get rich, so here I am. I have a wonderful life, don't get me wrong - Just wish I could make it while working 20 hours per week, or maybe 15. Especially on Friday afternoon.